ponder

Ok. So I'm supposed to be studying. Sue me. Just visited a friend's blog. Had a chat with another friend. I wonder.

I was contented earlier on. But, somehow, I can't stop these thoughts from forming. Being gay, is after all, no fun. Never has been, never will be. There will always be people who look at you one kind. And hiding your sexuality, forms a habit in you, to hide your truest and deepest feelings and thoughts. I mean, if you can't even be open about your sexuality, you can't expect to be open about most other stuff. Your sexual orientation is the thing that affects you for life.

Ok. I was rambling. Thing is, it's never going to be simple being gay. Let's be realistic. Here in Malaysia, gays are frowned upon. People call you abnormal, freak, abomination, all because you're interested in someone of the same gender sexually. I mean, platonic interest is no big concern, but sexually? Practically 90% of Malaysians are against it. Even if they don't openly express it, you can see it in their eyes.

The hard part is not really admitting to yourself that you're gay. Ok. Perhaps it is. All this while you thought that you're normal. But when you start developing more then friendly feelings towards somebody of the same gender, you get confused and angsty and all that. Admitting to yourself that you're gay, can be like a burden lifted off your shoulders. You seek love, and find love, and you can't proclaim it to the whole world. The hardest part is coming out to people who matter to you.

You see heterosexual people hugging and kissing and being all lovey dovey in public, and there is a tugging at your heartstrings. Sure, you could do the same, but would you still do it, knowing that anytime, you might be sighted by someone whom you don't want to reveal your identity to? You hear your straight friends telling you that they brought their partner back home to introduce to their family, and how they had a good time as a whole. While they talk, you can't help wondering, how would your family react if you were to introduce your partner as your partner and not just a friend.

A note of interest is that this has nothing to do with the conversation I had, or the blog I read. This is something a friend of mine mentioned days ago. Don't get me wrong. I love my baby very very much. But there is always a nagging at the back of my head: Can I introduce her to XXX as my gf? Or just as a friend? If I'm with a huge bunch of friends, I can't exactly show too much affection, as there would be people who do not agree with our relationship. I can't even introduce her to my family, my parents, as my gf, their eventual daughter in law.

I'm not being emotional here, but more of rational thinking. Love really isn't everything. It's everything that matters, but it isn't everything. Our love for each other makes us happy, but it would not necessarily change people's minds about us. There will always be objections.

I wonder. Just because my chosen life partner happens to be someone of the same gender, does that give others the right to judge my life? I'm not saying that there are people judging me, but it's going to happen eventually. I mean, everybody deserves a chance at happily forever after... right? Everybody deserves to love and to be loved, right? Everybody deserves a shot at happiness, right? So how does it make it different if it's someone of the same sex?

So you say it's not natural. "A man and a woman" So it is decreed. But. If that is the case, why are there people who are borned gay? Is it because of genetics? Pyschologic? Upbringing? Hormones? Instinct? Trauma? I'm not refuting the Bible. All I'm saying is, if God meant for every guy to be with a woman, why are there people who are borned with the tendency to love someone of the same sex?

Sometimes, it's so confusing, this whole religion thing and society's view on gay people. Sometimes, it's just goddamn annoying. Sometimes, it's downright saddening, knowing that perhaps someday you have to choose between your family and your partner; you have to choose between being true to who you really are, and conforming to what society thinks is acceptable. It's what the Chinese says: both the palm and the back of your hand is flesh and blood. Either way, both will hurt. How are you supposed to choose?

Don't ask me what prompted me to write something as long as that. I'm just stating cold hard facts. Facts that hurt so very much. I need my baby right now.