Pt 3
So I'm supposed to be talking about why. Why I've grown to love her, to believe in her, to need her like I do.
I've always believed that, looks can be deceiving. Anything can be portrayed as if real, and anything can be hidden, if you know how. Everyone has secrets, some more then others. I was always alone. As an only kid, and being of the more introverted kind, I never really had many close friends, or much of a childhood. I would stick by mom's side more often than not. I suppose, it's also because of this, I grew up a tad faster then some of my peers. You see, mom is physically handicapped. She has difficulty going up and down the stairs, she can't run, her reflexes are slower then norm, and her hand grip is weak.
Being an only kid, and always at mom's side, I naturally became someone she depended a lot on, not just physical support. The circumstances that surround my birth and my childhood is not something I am ready to share with just anyone. If I have to be honest, there is less then 5 people in the entire world that know what those circumstances are. To be really truthful here, these circumstances have a huge bearing on my attitude, personality, and way of thought.
I guess you could say that I developed a more cynical outlook from a young age. I learned to weave webs fine enough to ensnare, to confuse and distract; I've also learned to be like the elves. Kids are most easily influenced in their youth. This is so true. I look at myself now, and realize just how affected I was, I still am.
Why do I love her that much? Why do I need her? I suppose, I categorized my life, as before Tash and after Tash. After everything that I've been through, not as much as some, yet definitely more than some, loving her was just so... easy. Remember I mentioned that she used to shower me with attention? I totally loved being in the centre of her attention. We started off by talking for a couple of minutes each time over the phone, till just before her LA trip, when, and I can still remember till this day, we talked for about 45 minutes over the phone. I still remember, mom had a tuition class that night, and I was eating dinner in the room: fish, rice and vege.
When she's with me, talking to me, giving me the attention I desire, I feel like I can fly. I don't feel any burden on my shoulders, so light, that I just float on air. It's like, an angel came down to earth, and carried me in their arms, up in the sky. It's like her presence drove away whatever darkness there is in my soul. I feel so alive. Such a cliche, saying that she's the light in my life. But I can't help being corny and using all those cliches. I naturally and instinctively hide my true nature, being afraid of getting hurt. With Tash, I just want to tell her everything. I don't want to hide anything, or evade anything. I want to be able to look into her eyes and tell her the truth that she deserves.
I'm not saying that, I lie all the time. I just perhaps tell part of the truth, or what I feel can be told. Value judgment, my lecturer will be so proud of me that I remember this term. Anyway. I've grown to love her, because loving her is not only the simplest thing I ever did, but also because it feels so right, loving her. I need her, because having tasted what life could possibly without her, I'm loath to go back to that life. I want the sun shining down, not the clouds in the sky.
I love her, because I can, because I want to, because it feels right. Stubborn. I know I am. But I believe you have to stand up for what you believe is true and what you hold dear, and she is something, someone I treasure with my whole heart.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
TETIM
Pt 2
So I was talking about being scared. In all honesty, I very much am insecure. I know, I know. I don't look like it. However, it's the truth. You see, I'm afraid of love, and of being lonely. Back during my younger days, before I got to know Tash, I thought I would end up being single my entire life. Sure, I would possibly have relationships, but I never thought I'll get married, much less have kids. I see the adults in my life, some married, some not, and I envied the freedom the unmarried ones have. I want freedom, I'll admit it. I want the freedom to choose how to live my life, the freedom to do as I please, the freedom to not have to account to anyone.
As for love, I saw how love cut and hurt. I was scared, I STILL am scared, of getting hurt. Call me a coward, but I wasn't ready to hand over my heart to someone, and let them cut it into pieces. Tash, was really a turning point in my life. We started off a tentative note. I realized, I loved the attention she showered on me. She grew on me, faster then you can say 'Holy crap!'. I gave her my love, bit at a time, and she cherished it. Like I said, she gave me a feeling of security, of everlasting, of forever. It's like, I'm the ship that found a harbor to cast anchor.
Having tasted what life is like with love, I realize, I don't want to stay unmarried. I don't want to go home everyday to an empty house, a single bed. I don't want to turn into a fat ole spinster, eating, drinking and even smoking my way to my grave. I realized, I want to go back to a home where there'll be someone to greet me when I open the door, someone to love me and take away the weariness of the day, and someone to share and warm the bed with me. I would really love to have someone share my life with me.
I mentioned that I'm insecure, right? You see, I absolutely hate it when my princess is gone for ages. I don't mean hours, more like days, even weeks. I'm scared I'll lose her, I'm scared she'll not love me anymore, I'm scared, I don't mean anything to her anymore. Sounds stalkerish, even to the point of obsession, doesn't it? She means so much to me, that losing her, would equate hell on earth.
I can't help being scared. Even though she assures me time after time that she loves me, and that the only one she ever wants is me, I still can't help feeling afraid. Why, you ask. Well, simple really. You see, even till this day, I don't see anything about me, that could possibly attract her. Looks, there are so many out there that are better looking then me; Personality, mine is not the most interesting one out there; Intellect, I'm not that smart; Creativity, I'm just about average.
Hence. I don't get it, why she loves me. And I suspect, it's something I would never get for a very very long time, perhaps not till we start living together. Perhaps, I just have a low self confidence that's why I feel insecure at times. I have no clue.
Moments like this, I feel like I fail as a girlfriend. I doubt the way she feels about me, I doubt the truth of her words, I doubt our relationship. But when I doubt, I force myself to remember the times we shared, the words we exchanged, in anger or in love, and I doubt no more. I feel my emotions are like a roller coaster, and there's only one person who could put it at ease. When she's with me, I feel calm; When she's away for too long, I feel restless and upset.
Sometimes, I miss her so damn much, it's rather depressing and pathetic. A lovesick fool is what I am. Next up, would be about, why.
So I was talking about being scared. In all honesty, I very much am insecure. I know, I know. I don't look like it. However, it's the truth. You see, I'm afraid of love, and of being lonely. Back during my younger days, before I got to know Tash, I thought I would end up being single my entire life. Sure, I would possibly have relationships, but I never thought I'll get married, much less have kids. I see the adults in my life, some married, some not, and I envied the freedom the unmarried ones have. I want freedom, I'll admit it. I want the freedom to choose how to live my life, the freedom to do as I please, the freedom to not have to account to anyone.
As for love, I saw how love cut and hurt. I was scared, I STILL am scared, of getting hurt. Call me a coward, but I wasn't ready to hand over my heart to someone, and let them cut it into pieces. Tash, was really a turning point in my life. We started off a tentative note. I realized, I loved the attention she showered on me. She grew on me, faster then you can say 'Holy crap!'. I gave her my love, bit at a time, and she cherished it. Like I said, she gave me a feeling of security, of everlasting, of forever. It's like, I'm the ship that found a harbor to cast anchor.
Having tasted what life is like with love, I realize, I don't want to stay unmarried. I don't want to go home everyday to an empty house, a single bed. I don't want to turn into a fat ole spinster, eating, drinking and even smoking my way to my grave. I realized, I want to go back to a home where there'll be someone to greet me when I open the door, someone to love me and take away the weariness of the day, and someone to share and warm the bed with me. I would really love to have someone share my life with me.
I mentioned that I'm insecure, right? You see, I absolutely hate it when my princess is gone for ages. I don't mean hours, more like days, even weeks. I'm scared I'll lose her, I'm scared she'll not love me anymore, I'm scared, I don't mean anything to her anymore. Sounds stalkerish, even to the point of obsession, doesn't it? She means so much to me, that losing her, would equate hell on earth.
I can't help being scared. Even though she assures me time after time that she loves me, and that the only one she ever wants is me, I still can't help feeling afraid. Why, you ask. Well, simple really. You see, even till this day, I don't see anything about me, that could possibly attract her. Looks, there are so many out there that are better looking then me; Personality, mine is not the most interesting one out there; Intellect, I'm not that smart; Creativity, I'm just about average.
Hence. I don't get it, why she loves me. And I suspect, it's something I would never get for a very very long time, perhaps not till we start living together. Perhaps, I just have a low self confidence that's why I feel insecure at times. I have no clue.
Moments like this, I feel like I fail as a girlfriend. I doubt the way she feels about me, I doubt the truth of her words, I doubt our relationship. But when I doubt, I force myself to remember the times we shared, the words we exchanged, in anger or in love, and I doubt no more. I feel my emotions are like a roller coaster, and there's only one person who could put it at ease. When she's with me, I feel calm; When she's away for too long, I feel restless and upset.
Sometimes, I miss her so damn much, it's rather depressing and pathetic. A lovesick fool is what I am. Next up, would be about, why.
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Enigma That Is Me (T.E.T.I.M.)
Pt 1
So, I'm pretty sure you've all heard about that famous movie, 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button'. Well, I've got that movie somewhere in my external hard disk, but somehow I never got down to watching that show.
Anyway. The reason I brought up that award winning flick, was because I've decided to spend a couple of blog posts getting to know the enigma that is me. =)
I've been pretty busy these days. According to quiz I did on Facebook, it states that I distract myself from whatever I'm going through, kind of like I'm running away. Sad to say, I agree with that statement. The reason I surround myself with people and events, is because I'm trying my best, to keep my mind from dwelling on my princess.
People ask me about my girl, and I just smile. These few days apart without any contact, gave me tons of spare hours to do some thinking. Leanna asked me the other day, how can I continue trusting Tash after she continues to break her word to me time after time. That got me thinking. Truth be told, I have no clue. All I can say is, I just do. I don't know why, but she's different. Well, yea, she IS, since she's my gf, but that's not the point.
You see, I've always had a hard time trusting people. Ask Jein. SHE knows. You see us now, laughing and having fun together, and you'll never believe that it took me 3 months to warm up to her. And even then, not a whole lot, despite spending almost every day talking and studying together. I suppose, you could say it took around 9 months to a year, before I truly opened up to her. AND. I consider her part of my inner circle of friends, perhaps even to the extent of best friend.
Tash, on the other hand, we were friends for about a year, but our correspondence was scarce and few in between. We never really spent much time getting to know each other. Yet, I would say, she gained my trust the fastest. It's like, she gave me a sense of security. I felt like I don't have to pretend when I'm with her. Perhaps pretend is not the word. More like, I can just be me, and I didn't need to wear a mask. I guess, I felt like, I could trust her with my emotions.
Trust, is a huge issue with me. Once I trust you, it's hard to shake my trust in you; BUT. Once you do something to break that trust I had in you, it's even harder still to gain back my trust. Ask Shi Ni, she can tell you that. But. With Tash, it's the total opposite. Don't ask me why. It just is. Had a nice long talk with Jein the weekend she was at my place, and we talked about trust. It's just unexplainable, why I would distrust some people (and STILL do) and some people gain my trust easier then others.
Perhaps I'm just naive, but, I never felt the kind of security Tash offers in others. As in, I feel safe with her. When I think of her, I feel as if I've found a shelter. I feel like I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to be invincible, or pretend to be, and I can just lie down and rest, and... just be vulnerable. Perhaps I'm very much afraid. I'm really scared, to open up my heart to people. I guess, it's inherrent, this nature of mine, to distrust someone initially.
Wow. That's long. Looks like, it's time for bed. I'm beat. Continue analysing me and myself another time. Later peeps..!
So, I'm pretty sure you've all heard about that famous movie, 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button'. Well, I've got that movie somewhere in my external hard disk, but somehow I never got down to watching that show.
Anyway. The reason I brought up that award winning flick, was because I've decided to spend a couple of blog posts getting to know the enigma that is me. =)
I've been pretty busy these days. According to quiz I did on Facebook, it states that I distract myself from whatever I'm going through, kind of like I'm running away. Sad to say, I agree with that statement. The reason I surround myself with people and events, is because I'm trying my best, to keep my mind from dwelling on my princess.
People ask me about my girl, and I just smile. These few days apart without any contact, gave me tons of spare hours to do some thinking. Leanna asked me the other day, how can I continue trusting Tash after she continues to break her word to me time after time. That got me thinking. Truth be told, I have no clue. All I can say is, I just do. I don't know why, but she's different. Well, yea, she IS, since she's my gf, but that's not the point.
You see, I've always had a hard time trusting people. Ask Jein. SHE knows. You see us now, laughing and having fun together, and you'll never believe that it took me 3 months to warm up to her. And even then, not a whole lot, despite spending almost every day talking and studying together. I suppose, you could say it took around 9 months to a year, before I truly opened up to her. AND. I consider her part of my inner circle of friends, perhaps even to the extent of best friend.
Tash, on the other hand, we were friends for about a year, but our correspondence was scarce and few in between. We never really spent much time getting to know each other. Yet, I would say, she gained my trust the fastest. It's like, she gave me a sense of security. I felt like I don't have to pretend when I'm with her. Perhaps pretend is not the word. More like, I can just be me, and I didn't need to wear a mask. I guess, I felt like, I could trust her with my emotions.
Trust, is a huge issue with me. Once I trust you, it's hard to shake my trust in you; BUT. Once you do something to break that trust I had in you, it's even harder still to gain back my trust. Ask Shi Ni, she can tell you that. But. With Tash, it's the total opposite. Don't ask me why. It just is. Had a nice long talk with Jein the weekend she was at my place, and we talked about trust. It's just unexplainable, why I would distrust some people (and STILL do) and some people gain my trust easier then others.
Perhaps I'm just naive, but, I never felt the kind of security Tash offers in others. As in, I feel safe with her. When I think of her, I feel as if I've found a shelter. I feel like I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to be invincible, or pretend to be, and I can just lie down and rest, and... just be vulnerable. Perhaps I'm very much afraid. I'm really scared, to open up my heart to people. I guess, it's inherrent, this nature of mine, to distrust someone initially.
Wow. That's long. Looks like, it's time for bed. I'm beat. Continue analysing me and myself another time. Later peeps..!