TETIM

Pt 3

So I'm supposed to be talking about why. Why I've grown to love her, to believe in her, to need her like I do.

I've always believed that, looks can be deceiving. Anything can be portrayed as if real, and anything can be hidden, if you know how. Everyone has secrets, some more then others. I was always alone. As an only kid, and being of the more introverted kind, I never really had many close friends, or much of a childhood. I would stick by mom's side more often than not. I suppose, it's also because of this, I grew up a tad faster then some of my peers. You see, mom is physically handicapped. She has difficulty going up and down the stairs, she can't run, her reflexes are slower then norm, and her hand grip is weak.

Being an only kid, and always at mom's side, I naturally became someone she depended a lot on, not just physical support. The circumstances that surround my birth and my childhood is not something I am ready to share with just anyone. If I have to be honest, there is less then 5 people in the entire world that know what those circumstances are. To be really truthful here, these circumstances have a huge bearing on my attitude, personality, and way of thought.

I guess you could say that I developed a more cynical outlook from a young age. I learned to weave webs fine enough to ensnare, to confuse and distract; I've also learned to be like the elves. Kids are most easily influenced in their youth. This is so true. I look at myself now, and realize just how affected I was, I still am.

Why do I love her that much? Why do I need her? I suppose, I categorized my life, as before Tash and after Tash. After everything that I've been through, not as much as some, yet definitely more than some, loving her was just so... easy. Remember I mentioned that she used to shower me with attention? I totally loved being in the centre of her attention. We started off by talking for a couple of minutes each time over the phone, till just before her LA trip, when, and I can still remember till this day, we talked for about 45 minutes over the phone. I still remember, mom had a tuition class that night, and I was eating dinner in the room: fish, rice and vege.

When she's with me, talking to me, giving me the attention I desire, I feel like I can fly. I don't feel any burden on my shoulders, so light, that I just float on air. It's like, an angel came down to earth, and carried me in their arms, up in the sky. It's like her presence drove away whatever darkness there is in my soul. I feel so alive. Such a cliche, saying that she's the light in my life. But I can't help being corny and using all those cliches. I naturally and instinctively hide my true nature, being afraid of getting hurt. With Tash, I just want to tell her everything. I don't want to hide anything, or evade anything. I want to be able to look into her eyes and tell her the truth that she deserves.

I'm not saying that, I lie all the time. I just perhaps tell part of the truth, or what I feel can be told. Value judgment, my lecturer will be so proud of me that I remember this term. Anyway. I've grown to love her, because loving her is not only the simplest thing I ever did, but also because it feels so right, loving her. I need her, because having tasted what life could possibly without her, I'm loath to go back to that life. I want the sun shining down, not the clouds in the sky.

I love her, because I can, because I want to, because it feels right. Stubborn. I know I am. But I believe you have to stand up for what you believe is true and what you hold dear, and she is something, someone I treasure with my whole heart.