TETIM

Pt 2

So I was talking about being scared. In all honesty, I very much am insecure. I know, I know. I don't look like it. However, it's the truth. You see, I'm afraid of love, and of being lonely. Back during my younger days, before I got to know Tash, I thought I would end up being single my entire life. Sure, I would possibly have relationships, but I never thought I'll get married, much less have kids. I see the adults in my life, some married, some not, and I envied the freedom the unmarried ones have. I want freedom, I'll admit it. I want the freedom to choose how to live my life, the freedom to do as I please, the freedom to not have to account to anyone.

As for love, I saw how love cut and hurt. I was scared, I STILL am scared, of getting hurt. Call me a coward, but I wasn't ready to hand over my heart to someone, and let them cut it into pieces. Tash, was really a turning point in my life. We started off a tentative note. I realized, I loved the attention she showered on me. She grew on me, faster then you can say 'Holy crap!'. I gave her my love, bit at a time, and she cherished it. Like I said, she gave me a feeling of security, of everlasting, of forever. It's like, I'm the ship that found a harbor to cast anchor.

Having tasted what life is like with love, I realize, I don't want to stay unmarried. I don't want to go home everyday to an empty house, a single bed. I don't want to turn into a fat ole spinster, eating, drinking and even smoking my way to my grave. I realized, I want to go back to a home where there'll be someone to greet me when I open the door, someone to love me and take away the weariness of the day, and someone to share and warm the bed with me. I would really love to have someone share my life with me.

I mentioned that I'm insecure, right? You see, I absolutely hate it when my princess is gone for ages. I don't mean hours, more like days, even weeks. I'm scared I'll lose her, I'm scared she'll not love me anymore, I'm scared, I don't mean anything to her anymore. Sounds stalkerish, even to the point of obsession, doesn't it? She means so much to me, that losing her, would equate hell on earth.

I can't help being scared. Even though she assures me time after time that she loves me, and that the only one she ever wants is me, I still can't help feeling afraid. Why, you ask. Well, simple really. You see, even till this day, I don't see anything about me, that could possibly attract her. Looks, there are so many out there that are better looking then me; Personality, mine is not the most interesting one out there; Intellect, I'm not that smart; Creativity, I'm just about average.

Hence. I don't get it, why she loves me. And I suspect, it's something I would never get for a very very long time, perhaps not till we start living together. Perhaps, I just have a low self confidence that's why I feel insecure at times. I have no clue.

Moments like this, I feel like I fail as a girlfriend. I doubt the way she feels about me, I doubt the truth of her words, I doubt our relationship. But when I doubt, I force myself to remember the times we shared, the words we exchanged, in anger or in love, and I doubt no more. I feel my emotions are like a roller coaster, and there's only one person who could put it at ease. When she's with me, I feel calm; When she's away for too long, I feel restless and upset.

Sometimes, I miss her so damn much, it's rather depressing and pathetic. A lovesick fool is what I am. Next up, would be about, why.