holey

I wonder. Why the hell do I miss you? It's draining, to wake up each morning, with hopes, only to have it dashed. I know, I said I could be satisfied with just hearing from you once a week. And yet, the more I get, the more I want. Whatever attention you give me, I want more. I crave for more. I want your 100% 24/7. Well. Perhaps not 24/7. But you get the idea. And whatever time you can spare me, I want more. I want all your attention on ME.

I sound like a brat, don't I? A selfish brat. But I dont care! I FREAKING WANT YOUR ATTENTION!!! You said... you said many things. And each time you fail to deliver, I die a little on the inside. You... I dont know if you cant see it, or if you just dont want to see it, or if you see it but pretend not to notice it, but that's the truth.

I hurt. I still do. I dont know, if I'm going to carry this hurt, forever. But right now, it's there. Much as I try to ignore it, and I do succeed occasionally, each reminder of you triggers it. I dont know how to plug that hole in my heart, that hole the pain keeps oozing in. I guess, I need you to do that. Even as I'm writing this now, I can feel that pain, that stabbing pain in my heart. As for the tears, let's pretend they dont exist, shall we?

Everyone says, 'Laura, you're a fool.' 'Laura, how is it you're still able to love her after all this?' 'Laura, why do you love her?' 'Laura, she's not for real. Dont waste your time on her, please?' 'Wake up! Face reality!'

And to each of them, I smile and wave them off. I turn around so that nobody sees the pain in my eyes. I plaster a smile to face the whole world, to ward off any nagging or concerned words, and to hide the pain etched deep within. It's so hard, when you're hardly around.

I... cant sleep at nights, unless I wear myself out so bad I'm a walking zombie. I try, to keep myself occupied throughout the day, only to find myself at the computer, with that page open, hoping, just hoping to hear from you. I want nothing more, then to lie within your embrace, and feel you holding me close. And I dont mean virtually, online. I mean, physically.

To the world I might seem strong and steady and not at all needy. But dont you see that's just a front? Of all the people in the world, you're the only one I let fall all my barriers for. To you, and you alone, I let myself go, let myself feel, embrace that emotion I feel in abundance for you. To you, I show my vulnerability, my true colors.

So where are you? What are you up to? Why... Dont I feel assured, secure? I know, one of my many flaws, is that I overdo the thinking, and that I'm paranoid. I realize, it's tiring, to always assure me of your intentions, your affections. But baby, I'm scared. I'm so scared. I dont want to be alone, I'm scared of being alone. I've been alone for most of my life, and I dont like it. And I also realize, I've got a rather low self confidence level. I dont get your attraction to me, and that makes me doubly paranoid. I'm not doubting you, just dont understand what's so awesome about me. I'm just about as average as the other girls.

Baby... I told you before, I need alot of reassurances. And I dont think, my fears will truly be put to rest till the day you're here by my side, and hold me for real. I sound desperate, I know. But... You really are the only one who could help me slay my demons, and your affections is the only elixer that could sustain me. Please baby, reassure me once more. Keep reassuring me. I'm needy... for you. Only you...