Maroon 5

i'm depressed. kinda. let's see... i've gotten my results on thursday 29th nov. to my utter horror n shock, i actually failed 1 subject. ok. so it's not such a big deal, seeing that there are others out there who have also failed. the big deal about this failing, is the fact that, this is the 1st time i'm failing, on record no doubt. ok fine, so there is this 1 time i failed my chinese monthly test in march 2004, but den again, chinese is not my forte, and 95% of the class was cheating anyway.

but that failure is not wat i want to talk about, or rather, rant about. knowing about my failure, the big 'N' on my transcript, was, IS a big blow to my self-esteem, my confidence, my pride. and i just realized, i'm PROUD. i mean, proud as in, there is always a certain image i wish to project into people's minds, and i never ever voluntarily shown any weakness to anyone in public. so i might break down in the comfort of my room or bath stall, but never in public. no matter how much it hurts, i always, always blink away the tears. i laugh off the hurt, i might stalk away in angry, i might be goddamn sarcastic or hurting in my statements, but i never, ever, show my pain n hurt.

'hunt or be hunted' is the Law of the Jungle. for me, it's 'hurt or be hurt'. tat's why i dun show much emotions. perhaps the occasion burst of anger, but never sorrow. i wave it off with a flick of the hand. but, the more nonchalant i look or portray, the more i truly care about that issue. the more i say i dun care, the more i care.

the failure thing sank in after sometime. i admit, i did cry myself to sleep, for a short while that night. but that is the past. i'm moving on, using this as a wake up call. this would serve well as a lesson, not to be too cocky, too proud, and never ever do my revisions last minute. so studying is a goddamn boring thing to do at times. but i don't ever want to fail anymore. i HATE failing. my ego, my pride cannot allow myself to fail anymore. it's time to put my brain to good use. i guess. :P