helpless

your heart keeps saying, it's just not fair,
but still you have to make up your mind.
are you gonna stay with the who loves you
or are you going back to the one you love.

tat's the song i was hearing just now, in the car. sori james. here's another sad post. no brightness watsoever.

looking at the phone
hoping it would bring
a message
a call

but it remains silent
wat remains
is but the time ticking away
second by second
minute by minute
tick! tick!
the hours go by

despite everything,
i pick up the phone
typing you messages
calling your number
always making the 1st move

never grudging the fact that
you never called
never messaged
hardly replied

somehow,
i came to realize,
how fruitless it is
to feel so deeply for you

at the end of the day
i would never be at the edge of your mind
i would never be the one you share everything with
i would never be an integral part of your life

i would only be a fren
i would only be the one who stands by your side all the time, silently
i would only be the one you call, when you're free
i would only be the one you call, when you have something to ask, or discuss

i'm so tired of giving all the time.
in a sense, i call it upon myself.
knowing how useless it is,
yet still holding on.

but it's the last straw.
5 hours and ticking,
and still the phone remains silent.
silence is golden,
but there is nth golden about the moment.

i'm so tired....
teach me how to let you go,
coz i cant find the strength in me,
to let you free.....

Courtesy of Jill =]

Layer ONE : On the Outside
Name : Laura Yoong Li Wen
Birth Date : 3rd of February, 1988
Current Status : Single but unavailable (",)
Eye color : Black
Hair Color: Black
Righty or Lefty : Righty
Zodiac Sign : Aquarius

Layer TWO : On the inside
Your Heritage : Chinese
Your Fears : The unknown
Your Weakness : I get really emo at times.
Your Perfect Pizza : cheese, seafood, cheese, mushrooms, and more cheese...

Layer THREE : Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up : Is it a new day already??
Your Bedtime : Before 3 am..
Your most missed memory : Everything that happened on the 4th of Nov

Layer FOUR : Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke : Coke.
McDonald's or Burger King: Depends
Single or group dates: Single, and sometimes group...
Adidas or Nike: Nike.
Lipton tea or Nestea: Lipton.
Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: Both works for me!

Layer FIVE : Do you
Smoke : Nope
Curse : All the time. but i try to control...
Take a shower : Yep
Have a crush : :D. Yes.
Think you've been in love : I suppose... i dunno..
Go to school : Yep. College... but it's almost over...
Want to get married : Perhaps?
Believe in yourself : Sure. Y not? I have to believe in something.
Think you're a health freak : No. I couldn't care less.

Layer SIX : In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: Yes.
Gone to the mall: Yea....
Been on stage: No. Hate being scrutinised by ppl.
Eaten sushi: No. Not a fan of sushi.
Dyed your hair: Nope.

Layer SEVEN: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: No....
Changed who you were to fit in: i dunno. Did I??

Layer EIGHT
Age you're hoping to be married : Just go with the flow..

Layer NINE: In a Girl/Guy.
Best eye colour: Blue
Best hair colour: Black
Short or long hair: Anything.

Layer TEN: What Were You Doing.
1 minute ago: answering the questions above
1 hour ago: Gaming. Diner Dash 2 rox!
4.5 hours ago: Asleep... dunno dreaming bout wat.
1 month ago: Sleeping, eating, studying??
1 year ago: SPM??

Layer ELEVEN : Finish The Sentence
I love: me
I feel: sleepy
I hate: being down and emo
I hide: many secrets
I miss: you
I need: guidance

Layer TWELVE : Tag 5 people
Kang Yun
Wen Chean
Yu He
Mary
Jwu Wey

p/s: i want alot of other ppl to do also.. haha... ppl like, chinnpei, syinkit, ZZ, peng and ally.... hhehe..... so u ppl better do it k.... hahahaha

huh

u say i dont care
u say i cant be bothered
u say i dont tell you my plans b4 hand
u say i dont show concern

u say so many things
1st u said, dun worry so much
everything will be fine
thn u say, cant u at least show some concern?
cant u at least msg me, or him
asking how is he?
how is everything?

u said so many things.
u tell me you're facing so probs and issues
u tell me so much

but at the end of the day,
these things need to be done
and i cant help u in the process

if i can, i will surely help
but i cant
i juz cant

flames

a stranger drifting amidst the crowds
a lone ranger staring at the faces of the passer-bys,
all with smiles and laughter to accompany their actions.
all turned towards the person next to them,
to be greeted with a smile and a light of recognition in their eyes.

looking forlornly into space,
leaning against the wall,
he creates the impression of being self-sufficient.
self-sufficient and bored,
as if whatever that's happening is very monotonous.

deep down,
he's lonely and scared.
lonely 'cause he has nobody to share his tales and aches,
scared 'cause he has no one to rely on when things get grim and bleak.

he wants to reach out into the sea of strangers in front of him,
to find a friend, and be a friend,
but is afraid of rejection.
instead, he withdraws into himself,
creating a space between him and the world.
he sees them, but they cant see him.

to be tat man is tiring,
and hurting.
'cause at the end of the day,
he will be on the losing end.
never knowing how to be a friend,
how it's like to be treated as a friend.

it take two to clap.
without fuel, there can be no fire.
treasure your friendship while it lasts
dun let the fire die out.
say goodbye need not mean
forever more.
say goodbye should be, but a term.

thanks for being a good fren.
i wish you all da best,
and tat no matter how close or not we were,
we will still be frenz.
the fire should burn beyond time,
as long as we keep it alive,
and not douse it....

失去

失去
我一直认为你就是我最要好的朋友,
这五年里边,你确实帮我不少,
我真的好感激,好感激你,
我以为我们这五年的感情
回比海还深,
比石头还坚固,
但,那天,
因为我的那段话,
这五年多的感情竟在几十分钟内断裂了,
它,粉碎得如此彻底,
尽管努力尝试地把它给缝合,
但那痕印还是如此地耀眼;
那种心疼,
那种伤心,
并不像洪水般,如此澎湃,
但却是如地下泉般,如此地隐约,
它,
慢慢地流,流入一个无底洞,
当连那无底洞都溢满时,
它才静悄悄地从脸庞滑下......

frm me to you
你说过，我们是好朋友。。。
这五年来，我们的感情蛮好，
友谊也蛮坚固。。。

你那一段话，
可真的伤透了我的心。。
不是我不珍惜我们这份友情，
但却伤痕还深，
我还需要时间。。。。。

你就让我一个人吧。。。。。。。
我很抱歉。。如果你觉得我对你冷淡。。。。。
one thing i can say for sure,
we will still remain as frenz...

for jwu wey

so sorry i missed your bday
the day u came into tis world 18 yrs ago
bringing with you
light, joy and laughter.

you're such a good fren
always there for me whenever i was down
u supported me no matter wat

chatting wif you always brings a smile to my face
smsing you is a relief from the everyday life
getting to noe you
is one of the nice things SAM has to offer.

the only thing i regret
is not able to share your burden
seeing u suffer and hide your pain
stabs my heart each time i see you like tat

i wish i could be as good a fren to you
as you were to me..
and tis i write for u,
coz i feel bad for merely wishing u
happy bday....
with luck,
tis will bring a smile to your face..... :D

determination

i've come to an decision.
i've decided to let you go.
it's a hard thing to do,
but it seems right.
i refuse to try and change the situation.
much as i want to be by your side,
i dont want to change things as they are now.

as long as you are happy,
i'm satisfied.
tis is the right decision.
and much as i hate it,
i muz summon up enough willpower
to see me through all this.

i wish you happiness.
stay happy always.
if ever you are unhappy,
i'm here... always...

heartfelt

i lay down,
looking at the stars above,
thinking and thinking.

my mind drifts off,
to the time we first met.

we were strangers to each other,
a new unknown in the sea of faces.
far spread are our roots,
but similiar are our characters.

i gravitated to you,
coz perhaps, i saw me in you.

thinking back,
on how you acted,
talked,
and thought.

i know,
you are the one.

i'm truly grateful,
for all that you are.

a good fren,
a good listener,
a good pal.

i wont say that
we were close from the beginning.
but for now,
you are the one person
i trust with all my heart.

in this,
i bare my heart and soul.
in you,
i lay my trust....

the wake

right now, as i'm blogging, i take comfort in finishing a stick of ice cream.
tis will be a normal post, without much fancy language.
let's recap the weekend.
friday nite, i was watching tis drame series till 4 am.. :D i went to bed tired, but satisfied as i finally got to watch after 1 week of trials. mom woke up 1 hr 30 minutes later to get ready to go school.. yea.. i noe... school on a saturday??? turns out they had to have a replacement day... dad woke me up at 8. 30 and v had breakfast. thn tis gal here chose to go back to bed as she was freaking tired.. haha... pop! to bed i went.. woke at 11 and had a bath. thn followed dad out to school. chatted with one of my juniors, Pei Sun, till almost 1. thn went down to find mom.
v went home, and had lunch. during lunch, i remembered dad asking me to pass on a msg to mom tat grandma called. so mom called back. and v had d shock of our lives. grand uncle willie had passed away at 12 midnight, friday. we were shocked. i felt, and so did mom, that we had to make tis trip to kl. dad cant make it for certain reasons.
on the way to the train station, in the car, suddenly the reality set in. i could feel myself tearing.
basically, i'm bit surprised. i never expected to cry for a person i'm hardly close with. i cried again for a short while while waiting for the train to come. when we reached Trinity Church, and i saw grand auntie gan, it was a whole different story.

her eyes were soulless, she was lost. i sensed great pain and grief in her. i could see that she has lost her sense of direction and purpose. it was as if she was blundering in the dark, searching for something, but cant find it. it wsa as if she was suddenly put into this foreign land, with nothing and nobody to help her. i see as if she was put in the spotlight, all alone, with suppressed feelings and emotions. i felt such sorrow and hurt and pain, just by looking at her face.

in fact, i felt the pain from everyone there. but more so from the immediate family, namely uncle david, aunty anne and uncle kevin. i pity them. my heart went out to them, especially g.auntie gan... the poor dear...
there is so much more i want to say and write, but i just dont have to heart to write it down anymore. so i shall just leave right here.

friday links??

yeah!
happiness is mine!

haha...
it's thureday,
and friday is every minute nearer.

i love fridays.
coz it marks the end of a schooling week,
and the start of the weekends.

fridays are even more worth looking forward to,
when exams end on that particular day.

it is absolutely worth looking forward to,
unless my mood is down,
and i need my frenz here by my side.

but fridays also mark the approach,
of a new year.
a new year, i most probably will spend,
within contact,
beyond sight.

a new year,
not spent with mom,
not spent with dad,
not spent with grandparents,
not spent with you.