holey

I wonder. Why the hell do I miss you? It's draining, to wake up each morning, with hopes, only to have it dashed. I know, I said I could be satisfied with just hearing from you once a week. And yet, the more I get, the more I want. Whatever attention you give me, I want more. I crave for more. I want your 100% 24/7. Well. Perhaps not 24/7. But you get the idea. And whatever time you can spare me, I want more. I want all your attention on ME.

I sound like a brat, don't I? A selfish brat. But I dont care! I FREAKING WANT YOUR ATTENTION!!! You said... you said many things. And each time you fail to deliver, I die a little on the inside. You... I dont know if you cant see it, or if you just dont want to see it, or if you see it but pretend not to notice it, but that's the truth.

I hurt. I still do. I dont know, if I'm going to carry this hurt, forever. But right now, it's there. Much as I try to ignore it, and I do succeed occasionally, each reminder of you triggers it. I dont know how to plug that hole in my heart, that hole the pain keeps oozing in. I guess, I need you to do that. Even as I'm writing this now, I can feel that pain, that stabbing pain in my heart. As for the tears, let's pretend they dont exist, shall we?

Everyone says, 'Laura, you're a fool.' 'Laura, how is it you're still able to love her after all this?' 'Laura, why do you love her?' 'Laura, she's not for real. Dont waste your time on her, please?' 'Wake up! Face reality!'

And to each of them, I smile and wave them off. I turn around so that nobody sees the pain in my eyes. I plaster a smile to face the whole world, to ward off any nagging or concerned words, and to hide the pain etched deep within. It's so hard, when you're hardly around.

I... cant sleep at nights, unless I wear myself out so bad I'm a walking zombie. I try, to keep myself occupied throughout the day, only to find myself at the computer, with that page open, hoping, just hoping to hear from you. I want nothing more, then to lie within your embrace, and feel you holding me close. And I dont mean virtually, online. I mean, physically.

To the world I might seem strong and steady and not at all needy. But dont you see that's just a front? Of all the people in the world, you're the only one I let fall all my barriers for. To you, and you alone, I let myself go, let myself feel, embrace that emotion I feel in abundance for you. To you, I show my vulnerability, my true colors.

So where are you? What are you up to? Why... Dont I feel assured, secure? I know, one of my many flaws, is that I overdo the thinking, and that I'm paranoid. I realize, it's tiring, to always assure me of your intentions, your affections. But baby, I'm scared. I'm so scared. I dont want to be alone, I'm scared of being alone. I've been alone for most of my life, and I dont like it. And I also realize, I've got a rather low self confidence level. I dont get your attraction to me, and that makes me doubly paranoid. I'm not doubting you, just dont understand what's so awesome about me. I'm just about as average as the other girls.

Baby... I told you before, I need alot of reassurances. And I dont think, my fears will truly be put to rest till the day you're here by my side, and hold me for real. I sound desperate, I know. But... You really are the only one who could help me slay my demons, and your affections is the only elixer that could sustain me. Please baby, reassure me once more. Keep reassuring me. I'm needy... for you. Only you...

MAF

It's Mid Autumn Festival, and I'm all alone. I mean it literally. I'm in hostel, dad's at home, mom's with grandparents, and I'm alone in the room. Suddenly, I'm filled with these waves of loneliness. Jein is back in Melaka, LiHui, I have no idea. Mel is with Esther, Kang is all the way in Australia. Michie is going out soon, and me? Well, I've my wives to accompany me, I guess. =/

Sigh. I suddenly feel so lonely. I... I really want my baby right now. I've never felt this way before when Mel used to leave. I always say I don't care that she's not in the room, but always at Esther's. And I really don't. I have no idea why I feel differently today. I feel like, everybody left me alone. I feel so invisible. My baby's asleep, and I really don't want to disturb her. I just wish... I could crawl into bed with her, and have her hold me close. Her presence somehow makes these feelings disperse. How can you blame me for being into her, when she's the only one that really makes the loneliness goes away?

I'm emo, all of a sudden. I suppose, today being Mid Autumn Festival, time to be with friends and family and loved ones, and I'm all alone. I miss my baby. I just want to feel her arms around me, telling me that she's always there for me and that she'll not leave me no matter what. I suddenly feel so alone, like it's me against the whole world. Sigh... I wish my baby was here... I just want to snuggle against her and feel loved. I hate this empty feeling. It's like a sinking rock in my heart. Perhaps this is called, homesick?

I want my panda right now, this very instant. God knows how much I need her right now. When I'm talking to her, somehow, she lifts up my mood. Sometimes, even way back then, I still feel lonely when I'm with friends. But I've never felt that way with my baby. So don't blame me for being so into her. Like I said, she's the only one that ever made me want to cast off my barriers. I feel at home with her, like I can tell her anything under the sun.

The fireworks aren't doing my mood any good, because they serve to remind me of just how empty I feel. I need my baby more then ever right now. My friends...... Aren't here with me anyway. All alone during Mid Autumn Festival. I hate it...

autumn

I am such a klutz sometimes. Honestly, which genius would go and fall 1 day before 2 back-to-back papers? Look nowhere further, cause you're reading her words now. Yea, genius that I am, had to convince my friends to walk in the drizzle back home, and just had to fall at the curb, near the traffic lights as well.

Yeah, the curb was so inviting, I had little choice but to sink to my knees, and bow. So yeah, my thumb hurts like hell now. You know the best part, it's located at the part where you people who can flex your thumb, the part everybody, included me, took for granted. Now, it's like my thumb is perpetually in the 'good job' mode. Sigh.

Oh, and I haven't told you the best part of it. I had to practically rush through my 2 papers the best I can, all because my finger would start throbbing and aching after around 2 hours or so. Well okay, not really throbbing, but still, sore. Oh ya, and did I mention that it's my right hand? Yeap! And, I've got scraps on my hand, not serious, just that it's at the part where the pen brushes it all the time.

But yea, I got through both papers, one of which is shitty, the other still bearable. Of course, after each paper, there was the aftermath of PUS. Yucks!

Got Jein to get Hydrogen Peroxide, and so now, I'm suffering from post injury trauma. Sigh. I want my baby now.