Do you know what it feels like, knowing that someone that your soul is calling out for?
Do you know what it feels like, floating on air?
Do you know what it feels like, to be able to bare your heart out to someone and still have them accept you?
I do.
Do you know what disappointment tastes like?
Do you know what sorrow tastes like?
Do you know what emptiness tastes like?
I do.
Have you ever lay in bed at night, and just stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep?
Have you ever felt a part of you dying, bit by bit?
Have you ever tasted the pain after having your hopes dashed?
I have.
Have you ever experience an emotional roller coaster ride?
Have you ever felt that you've been taken granted for despite assurances that you're important?
Have you ever tried to concentrate on the work at hand, only to have your thoughts fly the exact opposite direction?
I have.
Should I let you know how I feel?
Should I let go of my insecurities?
Should I let you into my heart of hearts?
I should.
Should I give you a taste of your own medicine?
Should I turn the tables on you?
Should I learn not to expect anything?
I should.
There are many things I ought to do, should do.
Just like there are many things I know, I've experienced.
I'm not as strong as you think I am,
Not as capable as you perceive me to be,
Not as magnificent as you portray me to be.
Hopelessly caught in this tidal wave,
I can only pray:
I find a safe haven,
A place to call home.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Dreams
Dreams. They go back a long way, don't they? Some people say, dreams are just a figment of imagination, some say, it's your subconscious trying to tell you something, and some even say dreams are premonitions. Some use scientific jargon to explain dreams, talking about sleeping stages and brain waves; some use religion to make sense of dreams and what they mean, what they represent.
For me, I figure, dreams are a manifestation of the subconscious. I believe, many things happen during our waking hours, and we may, consciously or subconsciously be aware of things. The mind does curious things at times. Certain issues, certain thoughts, certain emotions are repressed, knowingly or unknowingly, and I believe, dreams are essentially a state of mind where you lose any self control or inhibitions.
So. Assuming that my description of dreams is acceptable, recurring dreams have a certain kind of meaning behind it, doesn't it? A friend of mine was talking to me earlier on, telling me about a certain recurring dream. Unsurprisingly, it brought back memories. Memories I thought I had long buried away.
What was this dream about? Well, her fiancee dreamt that she was sleeping around with other women, and she's convinced that my friend doesn't want to be with her anymore. Why did I say it brought back memories? I'll let you in on something. Tasha went through that stage before. The whole you're-sleeping-with-another-woman-don't-you-want-me stage. Yeah. Messed up as it is, they both dreamt about something very similar. To make things even more interesting, this friend of mine? Her fiancee? They're both Tasha's best friends. Ironic? Perhaps.
I figure, this has something to do with insecurities. Whether they were aware of it, or not, they're afraid. Either afraid that we would leave them, or they're not good enough for us. Whichever it is, it's not good, is it? If dreams are indeed a manifestation of the subconscious, then why is it not everyone dreams?
A correction of the assumption would therefore seem appropriate. The strongest underlying issue or emotion would therefore be portrayed through dreams. Recurence would therefore signify the strength of the matter at hand.
BAH! Science be damned! Philosophy be damned! Nightmares ain't fun, worse when you're not the one having nightmares but have to pay the price. How are you supposed to convince someone, that they are the one you want, when their doubt is so strong, that it comes out as a nightmare? It's not an issue that occured overnight, but more like, an accumulation of it. Kind of like, a volcano, the pressure builds up till it erupts, only in this case, it comes in the form of a nightmare.
God! Why would they even think that we would leave them? Ok. So part of insecurities is irrational. But dear god, we love them both enough to want to marry them, doesn't that say something about how committed we are to them? I'm not free from insecurities either, so I guess I can't judge them. But. Gah. This is frustrating.
=(
i had a nightmare too.
For me, I figure, dreams are a manifestation of the subconscious. I believe, many things happen during our waking hours, and we may, consciously or subconsciously be aware of things. The mind does curious things at times. Certain issues, certain thoughts, certain emotions are repressed, knowingly or unknowingly, and I believe, dreams are essentially a state of mind where you lose any self control or inhibitions.
So. Assuming that my description of dreams is acceptable, recurring dreams have a certain kind of meaning behind it, doesn't it? A friend of mine was talking to me earlier on, telling me about a certain recurring dream. Unsurprisingly, it brought back memories. Memories I thought I had long buried away.
What was this dream about? Well, her fiancee dreamt that she was sleeping around with other women, and she's convinced that my friend doesn't want to be with her anymore. Why did I say it brought back memories? I'll let you in on something. Tasha went through that stage before. The whole you're-sleeping-with-another-woman-don't-you-want-me stage. Yeah. Messed up as it is, they both dreamt about something very similar. To make things even more interesting, this friend of mine? Her fiancee? They're both Tasha's best friends. Ironic? Perhaps.
I figure, this has something to do with insecurities. Whether they were aware of it, or not, they're afraid. Either afraid that we would leave them, or they're not good enough for us. Whichever it is, it's not good, is it? If dreams are indeed a manifestation of the subconscious, then why is it not everyone dreams?
A correction of the assumption would therefore seem appropriate. The strongest underlying issue or emotion would therefore be portrayed through dreams. Recurence would therefore signify the strength of the matter at hand.
BAH! Science be damned! Philosophy be damned! Nightmares ain't fun, worse when you're not the one having nightmares but have to pay the price. How are you supposed to convince someone, that they are the one you want, when their doubt is so strong, that it comes out as a nightmare? It's not an issue that occured overnight, but more like, an accumulation of it. Kind of like, a volcano, the pressure builds up till it erupts, only in this case, it comes in the form of a nightmare.
God! Why would they even think that we would leave them? Ok. So part of insecurities is irrational. But dear god, we love them both enough to want to marry them, doesn't that say something about how committed we are to them? I'm not free from insecurities either, so I guess I can't judge them. But. Gah. This is frustrating.
=(
i had a nightmare too.
Friday, August 21, 2009
TETIM
Pt 3
So I'm supposed to be talking about why. Why I've grown to love her, to believe in her, to need her like I do.
I've always believed that, looks can be deceiving. Anything can be portrayed as if real, and anything can be hidden, if you know how. Everyone has secrets, some more then others. I was always alone. As an only kid, and being of the more introverted kind, I never really had many close friends, or much of a childhood. I would stick by mom's side more often than not. I suppose, it's also because of this, I grew up a tad faster then some of my peers. You see, mom is physically handicapped. She has difficulty going up and down the stairs, she can't run, her reflexes are slower then norm, and her hand grip is weak.
Being an only kid, and always at mom's side, I naturally became someone she depended a lot on, not just physical support. The circumstances that surround my birth and my childhood is not something I am ready to share with just anyone. If I have to be honest, there is less then 5 people in the entire world that know what those circumstances are. To be really truthful here, these circumstances have a huge bearing on my attitude, personality, and way of thought.
I guess you could say that I developed a more cynical outlook from a young age. I learned to weave webs fine enough to ensnare, to confuse and distract; I've also learned to be like the elves. Kids are most easily influenced in their youth. This is so true. I look at myself now, and realize just how affected I was, I still am.
Why do I love her that much? Why do I need her? I suppose, I categorized my life, as before Tash and after Tash. After everything that I've been through, not as much as some, yet definitely more than some, loving her was just so... easy. Remember I mentioned that she used to shower me with attention? I totally loved being in the centre of her attention. We started off by talking for a couple of minutes each time over the phone, till just before her LA trip, when, and I can still remember till this day, we talked for about 45 minutes over the phone. I still remember, mom had a tuition class that night, and I was eating dinner in the room: fish, rice and vege.
When she's with me, talking to me, giving me the attention I desire, I feel like I can fly. I don't feel any burden on my shoulders, so light, that I just float on air. It's like, an angel came down to earth, and carried me in their arms, up in the sky. It's like her presence drove away whatever darkness there is in my soul. I feel so alive. Such a cliche, saying that she's the light in my life. But I can't help being corny and using all those cliches. I naturally and instinctively hide my true nature, being afraid of getting hurt. With Tash, I just want to tell her everything. I don't want to hide anything, or evade anything. I want to be able to look into her eyes and tell her the truth that she deserves.
I'm not saying that, I lie all the time. I just perhaps tell part of the truth, or what I feel can be told. Value judgment, my lecturer will be so proud of me that I remember this term. Anyway. I've grown to love her, because loving her is not only the simplest thing I ever did, but also because it feels so right, loving her. I need her, because having tasted what life could possibly without her, I'm loath to go back to that life. I want the sun shining down, not the clouds in the sky.
I love her, because I can, because I want to, because it feels right. Stubborn. I know I am. But I believe you have to stand up for what you believe is true and what you hold dear, and she is something, someone I treasure with my whole heart.
So I'm supposed to be talking about why. Why I've grown to love her, to believe in her, to need her like I do.
I've always believed that, looks can be deceiving. Anything can be portrayed as if real, and anything can be hidden, if you know how. Everyone has secrets, some more then others. I was always alone. As an only kid, and being of the more introverted kind, I never really had many close friends, or much of a childhood. I would stick by mom's side more often than not. I suppose, it's also because of this, I grew up a tad faster then some of my peers. You see, mom is physically handicapped. She has difficulty going up and down the stairs, she can't run, her reflexes are slower then norm, and her hand grip is weak.
Being an only kid, and always at mom's side, I naturally became someone she depended a lot on, not just physical support. The circumstances that surround my birth and my childhood is not something I am ready to share with just anyone. If I have to be honest, there is less then 5 people in the entire world that know what those circumstances are. To be really truthful here, these circumstances have a huge bearing on my attitude, personality, and way of thought.
I guess you could say that I developed a more cynical outlook from a young age. I learned to weave webs fine enough to ensnare, to confuse and distract; I've also learned to be like the elves. Kids are most easily influenced in their youth. This is so true. I look at myself now, and realize just how affected I was, I still am.
Why do I love her that much? Why do I need her? I suppose, I categorized my life, as before Tash and after Tash. After everything that I've been through, not as much as some, yet definitely more than some, loving her was just so... easy. Remember I mentioned that she used to shower me with attention? I totally loved being in the centre of her attention. We started off by talking for a couple of minutes each time over the phone, till just before her LA trip, when, and I can still remember till this day, we talked for about 45 minutes over the phone. I still remember, mom had a tuition class that night, and I was eating dinner in the room: fish, rice and vege.
When she's with me, talking to me, giving me the attention I desire, I feel like I can fly. I don't feel any burden on my shoulders, so light, that I just float on air. It's like, an angel came down to earth, and carried me in their arms, up in the sky. It's like her presence drove away whatever darkness there is in my soul. I feel so alive. Such a cliche, saying that she's the light in my life. But I can't help being corny and using all those cliches. I naturally and instinctively hide my true nature, being afraid of getting hurt. With Tash, I just want to tell her everything. I don't want to hide anything, or evade anything. I want to be able to look into her eyes and tell her the truth that she deserves.
I'm not saying that, I lie all the time. I just perhaps tell part of the truth, or what I feel can be told. Value judgment, my lecturer will be so proud of me that I remember this term. Anyway. I've grown to love her, because loving her is not only the simplest thing I ever did, but also because it feels so right, loving her. I need her, because having tasted what life could possibly without her, I'm loath to go back to that life. I want the sun shining down, not the clouds in the sky.
I love her, because I can, because I want to, because it feels right. Stubborn. I know I am. But I believe you have to stand up for what you believe is true and what you hold dear, and she is something, someone I treasure with my whole heart.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
TETIM
Pt 2
So I was talking about being scared. In all honesty, I very much am insecure. I know, I know. I don't look like it. However, it's the truth. You see, I'm afraid of love, and of being lonely. Back during my younger days, before I got to know Tash, I thought I would end up being single my entire life. Sure, I would possibly have relationships, but I never thought I'll get married, much less have kids. I see the adults in my life, some married, some not, and I envied the freedom the unmarried ones have. I want freedom, I'll admit it. I want the freedom to choose how to live my life, the freedom to do as I please, the freedom to not have to account to anyone.
As for love, I saw how love cut and hurt. I was scared, I STILL am scared, of getting hurt. Call me a coward, but I wasn't ready to hand over my heart to someone, and let them cut it into pieces. Tash, was really a turning point in my life. We started off a tentative note. I realized, I loved the attention she showered on me. She grew on me, faster then you can say 'Holy crap!'. I gave her my love, bit at a time, and she cherished it. Like I said, she gave me a feeling of security, of everlasting, of forever. It's like, I'm the ship that found a harbor to cast anchor.
Having tasted what life is like with love, I realize, I don't want to stay unmarried. I don't want to go home everyday to an empty house, a single bed. I don't want to turn into a fat ole spinster, eating, drinking and even smoking my way to my grave. I realized, I want to go back to a home where there'll be someone to greet me when I open the door, someone to love me and take away the weariness of the day, and someone to share and warm the bed with me. I would really love to have someone share my life with me.
I mentioned that I'm insecure, right? You see, I absolutely hate it when my princess is gone for ages. I don't mean hours, more like days, even weeks. I'm scared I'll lose her, I'm scared she'll not love me anymore, I'm scared, I don't mean anything to her anymore. Sounds stalkerish, even to the point of obsession, doesn't it? She means so much to me, that losing her, would equate hell on earth.
I can't help being scared. Even though she assures me time after time that she loves me, and that the only one she ever wants is me, I still can't help feeling afraid. Why, you ask. Well, simple really. You see, even till this day, I don't see anything about me, that could possibly attract her. Looks, there are so many out there that are better looking then me; Personality, mine is not the most interesting one out there; Intellect, I'm not that smart; Creativity, I'm just about average.
Hence. I don't get it, why she loves me. And I suspect, it's something I would never get for a very very long time, perhaps not till we start living together. Perhaps, I just have a low self confidence that's why I feel insecure at times. I have no clue.
Moments like this, I feel like I fail as a girlfriend. I doubt the way she feels about me, I doubt the truth of her words, I doubt our relationship. But when I doubt, I force myself to remember the times we shared, the words we exchanged, in anger or in love, and I doubt no more. I feel my emotions are like a roller coaster, and there's only one person who could put it at ease. When she's with me, I feel calm; When she's away for too long, I feel restless and upset.
Sometimes, I miss her so damn much, it's rather depressing and pathetic. A lovesick fool is what I am. Next up, would be about, why.
So I was talking about being scared. In all honesty, I very much am insecure. I know, I know. I don't look like it. However, it's the truth. You see, I'm afraid of love, and of being lonely. Back during my younger days, before I got to know Tash, I thought I would end up being single my entire life. Sure, I would possibly have relationships, but I never thought I'll get married, much less have kids. I see the adults in my life, some married, some not, and I envied the freedom the unmarried ones have. I want freedom, I'll admit it. I want the freedom to choose how to live my life, the freedom to do as I please, the freedom to not have to account to anyone.
As for love, I saw how love cut and hurt. I was scared, I STILL am scared, of getting hurt. Call me a coward, but I wasn't ready to hand over my heart to someone, and let them cut it into pieces. Tash, was really a turning point in my life. We started off a tentative note. I realized, I loved the attention she showered on me. She grew on me, faster then you can say 'Holy crap!'. I gave her my love, bit at a time, and she cherished it. Like I said, she gave me a feeling of security, of everlasting, of forever. It's like, I'm the ship that found a harbor to cast anchor.
Having tasted what life is like with love, I realize, I don't want to stay unmarried. I don't want to go home everyday to an empty house, a single bed. I don't want to turn into a fat ole spinster, eating, drinking and even smoking my way to my grave. I realized, I want to go back to a home where there'll be someone to greet me when I open the door, someone to love me and take away the weariness of the day, and someone to share and warm the bed with me. I would really love to have someone share my life with me.
I mentioned that I'm insecure, right? You see, I absolutely hate it when my princess is gone for ages. I don't mean hours, more like days, even weeks. I'm scared I'll lose her, I'm scared she'll not love me anymore, I'm scared, I don't mean anything to her anymore. Sounds stalkerish, even to the point of obsession, doesn't it? She means so much to me, that losing her, would equate hell on earth.
I can't help being scared. Even though she assures me time after time that she loves me, and that the only one she ever wants is me, I still can't help feeling afraid. Why, you ask. Well, simple really. You see, even till this day, I don't see anything about me, that could possibly attract her. Looks, there are so many out there that are better looking then me; Personality, mine is not the most interesting one out there; Intellect, I'm not that smart; Creativity, I'm just about average.
Hence. I don't get it, why she loves me. And I suspect, it's something I would never get for a very very long time, perhaps not till we start living together. Perhaps, I just have a low self confidence that's why I feel insecure at times. I have no clue.
Moments like this, I feel like I fail as a girlfriend. I doubt the way she feels about me, I doubt the truth of her words, I doubt our relationship. But when I doubt, I force myself to remember the times we shared, the words we exchanged, in anger or in love, and I doubt no more. I feel my emotions are like a roller coaster, and there's only one person who could put it at ease. When she's with me, I feel calm; When she's away for too long, I feel restless and upset.
Sometimes, I miss her so damn much, it's rather depressing and pathetic. A lovesick fool is what I am. Next up, would be about, why.
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Enigma That Is Me (T.E.T.I.M.)
Pt 1
So, I'm pretty sure you've all heard about that famous movie, 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button'. Well, I've got that movie somewhere in my external hard disk, but somehow I never got down to watching that show.
Anyway. The reason I brought up that award winning flick, was because I've decided to spend a couple of blog posts getting to know the enigma that is me. =)
I've been pretty busy these days. According to quiz I did on Facebook, it states that I distract myself from whatever I'm going through, kind of like I'm running away. Sad to say, I agree with that statement. The reason I surround myself with people and events, is because I'm trying my best, to keep my mind from dwelling on my princess.
People ask me about my girl, and I just smile. These few days apart without any contact, gave me tons of spare hours to do some thinking. Leanna asked me the other day, how can I continue trusting Tash after she continues to break her word to me time after time. That got me thinking. Truth be told, I have no clue. All I can say is, I just do. I don't know why, but she's different. Well, yea, she IS, since she's my gf, but that's not the point.
You see, I've always had a hard time trusting people. Ask Jein. SHE knows. You see us now, laughing and having fun together, and you'll never believe that it took me 3 months to warm up to her. And even then, not a whole lot, despite spending almost every day talking and studying together. I suppose, you could say it took around 9 months to a year, before I truly opened up to her. AND. I consider her part of my inner circle of friends, perhaps even to the extent of best friend.
Tash, on the other hand, we were friends for about a year, but our correspondence was scarce and few in between. We never really spent much time getting to know each other. Yet, I would say, she gained my trust the fastest. It's like, she gave me a sense of security. I felt like I don't have to pretend when I'm with her. Perhaps pretend is not the word. More like, I can just be me, and I didn't need to wear a mask. I guess, I felt like, I could trust her with my emotions.
Trust, is a huge issue with me. Once I trust you, it's hard to shake my trust in you; BUT. Once you do something to break that trust I had in you, it's even harder still to gain back my trust. Ask Shi Ni, she can tell you that. But. With Tash, it's the total opposite. Don't ask me why. It just is. Had a nice long talk with Jein the weekend she was at my place, and we talked about trust. It's just unexplainable, why I would distrust some people (and STILL do) and some people gain my trust easier then others.
Perhaps I'm just naive, but, I never felt the kind of security Tash offers in others. As in, I feel safe with her. When I think of her, I feel as if I've found a shelter. I feel like I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to be invincible, or pretend to be, and I can just lie down and rest, and... just be vulnerable. Perhaps I'm very much afraid. I'm really scared, to open up my heart to people. I guess, it's inherrent, this nature of mine, to distrust someone initially.
Wow. That's long. Looks like, it's time for bed. I'm beat. Continue analysing me and myself another time. Later peeps..!
So, I'm pretty sure you've all heard about that famous movie, 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button'. Well, I've got that movie somewhere in my external hard disk, but somehow I never got down to watching that show.
Anyway. The reason I brought up that award winning flick, was because I've decided to spend a couple of blog posts getting to know the enigma that is me. =)
I've been pretty busy these days. According to quiz I did on Facebook, it states that I distract myself from whatever I'm going through, kind of like I'm running away. Sad to say, I agree with that statement. The reason I surround myself with people and events, is because I'm trying my best, to keep my mind from dwelling on my princess.
People ask me about my girl, and I just smile. These few days apart without any contact, gave me tons of spare hours to do some thinking. Leanna asked me the other day, how can I continue trusting Tash after she continues to break her word to me time after time. That got me thinking. Truth be told, I have no clue. All I can say is, I just do. I don't know why, but she's different. Well, yea, she IS, since she's my gf, but that's not the point.
You see, I've always had a hard time trusting people. Ask Jein. SHE knows. You see us now, laughing and having fun together, and you'll never believe that it took me 3 months to warm up to her. And even then, not a whole lot, despite spending almost every day talking and studying together. I suppose, you could say it took around 9 months to a year, before I truly opened up to her. AND. I consider her part of my inner circle of friends, perhaps even to the extent of best friend.
Tash, on the other hand, we were friends for about a year, but our correspondence was scarce and few in between. We never really spent much time getting to know each other. Yet, I would say, she gained my trust the fastest. It's like, she gave me a sense of security. I felt like I don't have to pretend when I'm with her. Perhaps pretend is not the word. More like, I can just be me, and I didn't need to wear a mask. I guess, I felt like, I could trust her with my emotions.
Trust, is a huge issue with me. Once I trust you, it's hard to shake my trust in you; BUT. Once you do something to break that trust I had in you, it's even harder still to gain back my trust. Ask Shi Ni, she can tell you that. But. With Tash, it's the total opposite. Don't ask me why. It just is. Had a nice long talk with Jein the weekend she was at my place, and we talked about trust. It's just unexplainable, why I would distrust some people (and STILL do) and some people gain my trust easier then others.
Perhaps I'm just naive, but, I never felt the kind of security Tash offers in others. As in, I feel safe with her. When I think of her, I feel as if I've found a shelter. I feel like I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to be invincible, or pretend to be, and I can just lie down and rest, and... just be vulnerable. Perhaps I'm very much afraid. I'm really scared, to open up my heart to people. I guess, it's inherrent, this nature of mine, to distrust someone initially.
Wow. That's long. Looks like, it's time for bed. I'm beat. Continue analysing me and myself another time. Later peeps..!
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Mad?
In many little ways, I take after my dad. My girl and I share some common traits as well. I'm talking about grudges. Apparently, I can really hold grudges. I seem to remember clearly how people have wronged me.
But why all the talk about grudges, you may ask. Well, it's all because of today. Taryn asked me, numerous times, to have dinner with them at Yuen's Steamboat, as a birthday celebration for Shi Ni. Well, needless to say, I didn't go. But something Taryn said, and the way she said it, lingered.
"Just let it go and come to dinner with us."
Everybody figures I'm still mad. The logic is, I keep asking everybody whether I seem mad at her. This seems to prove that I'm still mad. Truth be told, I have no animosity towards her. In fact, I have no feelings whatsoever. I keep asking, is because I don't think that the way I act indicates that I'm mad at her. Everybody thinks, almost everybody thinks that I'm mad at her.
Perhaps I'm being over sensitive, but I can feel that my friends are disappointed in my actions today. Perhaps. But, I have no regrets over what I did, or did not do. With that all said and done, I just don't need someone like her in my life. As an acquaintance, I have no problem with that. I would share her gift when asked, but, I'll not go through great lengths to make a big deal out of her birthday.
To digress a bit, nobody has ever really made a big fuss out of my birthday. That's why, I would always remember how Jein and the others celebrated mine for me this year. They made me feel special. It's going to be even more special when Tashie comes over. Nobody has ever made such a big deal out of my birthday. I mean, she's coming all the way from USA just for my birthday. It's gestures like this, that really make me feel loved and wanted.
But ok. This post is not really about me. let's not steal the limelight from Shi Ni. I have nothing else to say anymore. I'm tired of repeating myself. I sound like a broken down recorder. So for the record, I am not mad. I just don't need someone like her in my life. Enough is enough. It takes a lot to happen for me to actually NOT want the friendship. Enough said.
But why all the talk about grudges, you may ask. Well, it's all because of today. Taryn asked me, numerous times, to have dinner with them at Yuen's Steamboat, as a birthday celebration for Shi Ni. Well, needless to say, I didn't go. But something Taryn said, and the way she said it, lingered.
"Just let it go and come to dinner with us."
Everybody figures I'm still mad. The logic is, I keep asking everybody whether I seem mad at her. This seems to prove that I'm still mad. Truth be told, I have no animosity towards her. In fact, I have no feelings whatsoever. I keep asking, is because I don't think that the way I act indicates that I'm mad at her. Everybody thinks, almost everybody thinks that I'm mad at her.
Perhaps I'm being over sensitive, but I can feel that my friends are disappointed in my actions today. Perhaps. But, I have no regrets over what I did, or did not do. With that all said and done, I just don't need someone like her in my life. As an acquaintance, I have no problem with that. I would share her gift when asked, but, I'll not go through great lengths to make a big deal out of her birthday.
To digress a bit, nobody has ever really made a big fuss out of my birthday. That's why, I would always remember how Jein and the others celebrated mine for me this year. They made me feel special. It's going to be even more special when Tashie comes over. Nobody has ever made such a big deal out of my birthday. I mean, she's coming all the way from USA just for my birthday. It's gestures like this, that really make me feel loved and wanted.
But ok. This post is not really about me. let's not steal the limelight from Shi Ni. I have nothing else to say anymore. I'm tired of repeating myself. I sound like a broken down recorder. So for the record, I am not mad. I just don't need someone like her in my life. Enough is enough. It takes a lot to happen for me to actually NOT want the friendship. Enough said.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
=/
I don't understand. I'm not even all that good. There are other people out there who are way better then me. They make way better partners then me. So pray explain to me, how can someone be in love with the thought of me? I mean, it does not really make sense. I can understand how my gf is so into me, and that's...... Oh wait. I STILL don't get how she fell in love with me. I mean, I get the whole attraction thing, but it's a whole different ball game, falling in love.
Perhaps I should not analyze so much. I mean, I should just take compliments as they come, right? I mean, I have an angel who loves me like no other, someone whose entire world is me. I should be thankful and grateful I have her in my life. I really should not ask questions right? But this. This whole business of her friend being in love with the thought of me. Oh. My. God.
What's so good about me anyway? =x
Perhaps I should not analyze so much. I mean, I should just take compliments as they come, right? I mean, I have an angel who loves me like no other, someone whose entire world is me. I should be thankful and grateful I have her in my life. I really should not ask questions right? But this. This whole business of her friend being in love with the thought of me. Oh. My. God.
What's so good about me anyway? =x
Monday, September 29, 2008
ponder
Ok. So I'm supposed to be studying. Sue me. Just visited a friend's blog. Had a chat with another friend. I wonder.
I was contented earlier on. But, somehow, I can't stop these thoughts from forming. Being gay, is after all, no fun. Never has been, never will be. There will always be people who look at you one kind. And hiding your sexuality, forms a habit in you, to hide your truest and deepest feelings and thoughts. I mean, if you can't even be open about your sexuality, you can't expect to be open about most other stuff. Your sexual orientation is the thing that affects you for life.
Ok. I was rambling. Thing is, it's never going to be simple being gay. Let's be realistic. Here in Malaysia, gays are frowned upon. People call you abnormal, freak, abomination, all because you're interested in someone of the same gender sexually. I mean, platonic interest is no big concern, but sexually? Practically 90% of Malaysians are against it. Even if they don't openly express it, you can see it in their eyes.
The hard part is not really admitting to yourself that you're gay. Ok. Perhaps it is. All this while you thought that you're normal. But when you start developing more then friendly feelings towards somebody of the same gender, you get confused and angsty and all that. Admitting to yourself that you're gay, can be like a burden lifted off your shoulders. You seek love, and find love, and you can't proclaim it to the whole world. The hardest part is coming out to people who matter to you.
You see heterosexual people hugging and kissing and being all lovey dovey in public, and there is a tugging at your heartstrings. Sure, you could do the same, but would you still do it, knowing that anytime, you might be sighted by someone whom you don't want to reveal your identity to? You hear your straight friends telling you that they brought their partner back home to introduce to their family, and how they had a good time as a whole. While they talk, you can't help wondering, how would your family react if you were to introduce your partner as your partner and not just a friend.
A note of interest is that this has nothing to do with the conversation I had, or the blog I read. This is something a friend of mine mentioned days ago. Don't get me wrong. I love my baby very very much. But there is always a nagging at the back of my head: Can I introduce her to XXX as my gf? Or just as a friend? If I'm with a huge bunch of friends, I can't exactly show too much affection, as there would be people who do not agree with our relationship. I can't even introduce her to my family, my parents, as my gf, their eventual daughter in law.
I'm not being emotional here, but more of rational thinking. Love really isn't everything. It's everything that matters, but it isn't everything. Our love for each other makes us happy, but it would not necessarily change people's minds about us. There will always be objections.
I wonder. Just because my chosen life partner happens to be someone of the same gender, does that give others the right to judge my life? I'm not saying that there are people judging me, but it's going to happen eventually. I mean, everybody deserves a chance at happily forever after... right? Everybody deserves to love and to be loved, right? Everybody deserves a shot at happiness, right? So how does it make it different if it's someone of the same sex?
So you say it's not natural. "A man and a woman" So it is decreed. But. If that is the case, why are there people who are borned gay? Is it because of genetics? Pyschologic? Upbringing? Hormones? Instinct? Trauma? I'm not refuting the Bible. All I'm saying is, if God meant for every guy to be with a woman, why are there people who are borned with the tendency to love someone of the same sex?
Sometimes, it's so confusing, this whole religion thing and society's view on gay people. Sometimes, it's just goddamn annoying. Sometimes, it's downright saddening, knowing that perhaps someday you have to choose between your family and your partner; you have to choose between being true to who you really are, and conforming to what society thinks is acceptable. It's what the Chinese says: both the palm and the back of your hand is flesh and blood. Either way, both will hurt. How are you supposed to choose?
Don't ask me what prompted me to write something as long as that. I'm just stating cold hard facts. Facts that hurt so very much. I need my baby right now.
I was contented earlier on. But, somehow, I can't stop these thoughts from forming. Being gay, is after all, no fun. Never has been, never will be. There will always be people who look at you one kind. And hiding your sexuality, forms a habit in you, to hide your truest and deepest feelings and thoughts. I mean, if you can't even be open about your sexuality, you can't expect to be open about most other stuff. Your sexual orientation is the thing that affects you for life.
Ok. I was rambling. Thing is, it's never going to be simple being gay. Let's be realistic. Here in Malaysia, gays are frowned upon. People call you abnormal, freak, abomination, all because you're interested in someone of the same gender sexually. I mean, platonic interest is no big concern, but sexually? Practically 90% of Malaysians are against it. Even if they don't openly express it, you can see it in their eyes.
The hard part is not really admitting to yourself that you're gay. Ok. Perhaps it is. All this while you thought that you're normal. But when you start developing more then friendly feelings towards somebody of the same gender, you get confused and angsty and all that. Admitting to yourself that you're gay, can be like a burden lifted off your shoulders. You seek love, and find love, and you can't proclaim it to the whole world. The hardest part is coming out to people who matter to you.
You see heterosexual people hugging and kissing and being all lovey dovey in public, and there is a tugging at your heartstrings. Sure, you could do the same, but would you still do it, knowing that anytime, you might be sighted by someone whom you don't want to reveal your identity to? You hear your straight friends telling you that they brought their partner back home to introduce to their family, and how they had a good time as a whole. While they talk, you can't help wondering, how would your family react if you were to introduce your partner as your partner and not just a friend.
A note of interest is that this has nothing to do with the conversation I had, or the blog I read. This is something a friend of mine mentioned days ago. Don't get me wrong. I love my baby very very much. But there is always a nagging at the back of my head: Can I introduce her to XXX as my gf? Or just as a friend? If I'm with a huge bunch of friends, I can't exactly show too much affection, as there would be people who do not agree with our relationship. I can't even introduce her to my family, my parents, as my gf, their eventual daughter in law.
I'm not being emotional here, but more of rational thinking. Love really isn't everything. It's everything that matters, but it isn't everything. Our love for each other makes us happy, but it would not necessarily change people's minds about us. There will always be objections.
I wonder. Just because my chosen life partner happens to be someone of the same gender, does that give others the right to judge my life? I'm not saying that there are people judging me, but it's going to happen eventually. I mean, everybody deserves a chance at happily forever after... right? Everybody deserves to love and to be loved, right? Everybody deserves a shot at happiness, right? So how does it make it different if it's someone of the same sex?
So you say it's not natural. "A man and a woman" So it is decreed. But. If that is the case, why are there people who are borned gay? Is it because of genetics? Pyschologic? Upbringing? Hormones? Instinct? Trauma? I'm not refuting the Bible. All I'm saying is, if God meant for every guy to be with a woman, why are there people who are borned with the tendency to love someone of the same sex?
Sometimes, it's so confusing, this whole religion thing and society's view on gay people. Sometimes, it's just goddamn annoying. Sometimes, it's downright saddening, knowing that perhaps someday you have to choose between your family and your partner; you have to choose between being true to who you really are, and conforming to what society thinks is acceptable. It's what the Chinese says: both the palm and the back of your hand is flesh and blood. Either way, both will hurt. How are you supposed to choose?
Don't ask me what prompted me to write something as long as that. I'm just stating cold hard facts. Facts that hurt so very much. I need my baby right now.
