Gullible

Laura 欲断魂 says (12:34 AM):
 facial make u age faster
peng says (12:34 AM):
 dun so funny la.
 haha
 reli a?
 y?

She actually believed me! My oh my! Honestly, of all the crap I utter, you just had to believe this? LOL! Thinking about it, brings back fond memories. I remembered a similar incident with Tash. I think, it went something like this.

Laura:

Baby. Stop pouting. You're gonna get more wrinkles this way.

Teresa:

Are you serious?

Laura:

Oh hey Teresa. Erm. No?

Teresa:

Tash just ran into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. She said, omg you guys! I think I can see lines appear on my face already!!

Laura:

LOL! Are you serious?

Teresa:

Yeah... She's whining about it now.

Laura:

I was just joking! ROFL

Either I'm just too convincing when I crap, or these people are just too gullible. Sweet memories though. Really sweet.

Heartstrings

When it pours, I seek a umbrella.
When it snows, I seek shelter.

When it's hot, I seek the shade.
When it's cold, I seek a fire.

When I'm lost, I seek directions.
When I'm confused, I seek guidance.

When I'm upset, I seek comfort.
When I'm troubled, I seek assurance.

You are the umbrella,
Covering me from the pouring rain;
The shelter,
Offering me protection.

You're cool and collected,
When things heat up;
The heat and passion,
In a bone-chilling situation.

The path you point out,
Stands out clearly from all others;
Impeccable timing,
You provide the right words at the right time.

An enveloping embrace,
No words are needed;
Kisses and hugs, along with
Small yet not unimportant words, soothes the beast.

Running and running,
My life's story;
From others I flee,
To you I sprint.

3 small, yet significant words,
I would always utter.
Even when we fight,
Even when we hurt.

I've said it once,
I'll say it again.
I love you,
I always will.

holey

I wonder. Why the hell do I miss you? It's draining, to wake up each morning, with hopes, only to have it dashed. I know, I said I could be satisfied with just hearing from you once a week. And yet, the more I get, the more I want. Whatever attention you give me, I want more. I crave for more. I want your 100% 24/7. Well. Perhaps not 24/7. But you get the idea. And whatever time you can spare me, I want more. I want all your attention on ME.

I sound like a brat, don't I? A selfish brat. But I dont care! I FREAKING WANT YOUR ATTENTION!!! You said... you said many things. And each time you fail to deliver, I die a little on the inside. You... I dont know if you cant see it, or if you just dont want to see it, or if you see it but pretend not to notice it, but that's the truth.

I hurt. I still do. I dont know, if I'm going to carry this hurt, forever. But right now, it's there. Much as I try to ignore it, and I do succeed occasionally, each reminder of you triggers it. I dont know how to plug that hole in my heart, that hole the pain keeps oozing in. I guess, I need you to do that. Even as I'm writing this now, I can feel that pain, that stabbing pain in my heart. As for the tears, let's pretend they dont exist, shall we?

Everyone says, 'Laura, you're a fool.' 'Laura, how is it you're still able to love her after all this?' 'Laura, why do you love her?' 'Laura, she's not for real. Dont waste your time on her, please?' 'Wake up! Face reality!'

And to each of them, I smile and wave them off. I turn around so that nobody sees the pain in my eyes. I plaster a smile to face the whole world, to ward off any nagging or concerned words, and to hide the pain etched deep within. It's so hard, when you're hardly around.

I... cant sleep at nights, unless I wear myself out so bad I'm a walking zombie. I try, to keep myself occupied throughout the day, only to find myself at the computer, with that page open, hoping, just hoping to hear from you. I want nothing more, then to lie within your embrace, and feel you holding me close. And I dont mean virtually, online. I mean, physically.

To the world I might seem strong and steady and not at all needy. But dont you see that's just a front? Of all the people in the world, you're the only one I let fall all my barriers for. To you, and you alone, I let myself go, let myself feel, embrace that emotion I feel in abundance for you. To you, I show my vulnerability, my true colors.

So where are you? What are you up to? Why... Dont I feel assured, secure? I know, one of my many flaws, is that I overdo the thinking, and that I'm paranoid. I realize, it's tiring, to always assure me of your intentions, your affections. But baby, I'm scared. I'm so scared. I dont want to be alone, I'm scared of being alone. I've been alone for most of my life, and I dont like it. And I also realize, I've got a rather low self confidence level. I dont get your attraction to me, and that makes me doubly paranoid. I'm not doubting you, just dont understand what's so awesome about me. I'm just about as average as the other girls.

Baby... I told you before, I need alot of reassurances. And I dont think, my fears will truly be put to rest till the day you're here by my side, and hold me for real. I sound desperate, I know. But... You really are the only one who could help me slay my demons, and your affections is the only elixer that could sustain me. Please baby, reassure me once more. Keep reassuring me. I'm needy... for you. Only you...

:'(

YOU!

BAH!

You are like a drug. I can't help getting addicted to you. Without you it just doesn't seem right. It feels as if there's something lacking in my life. The 1st few days I go from happy to moody to just plain distressed. Then the next few days, till I actually get to talk to you, or hear from you, I just... exist.

Not happy, not sad. I just am. BAH! I HATE it when you're busy and I'm busy and love songs are in the air again. Hate it hate it hate it.

I KNOW you're busy, like really really busy, and I really don't wanna BE a brat but I can't really help feeling the way I feel right now. I'm selfish, I know. I just... *whines* I just miss you.

I realize there's no way in hell you're gonna read this, but I just needed to get that off my chest. I just... miss you. So much.

TETIM

Pt 3

So I'm supposed to be talking about why. Why I've grown to love her, to believe in her, to need her like I do.

I've always believed that, looks can be deceiving. Anything can be portrayed as if real, and anything can be hidden, if you know how. Everyone has secrets, some more then others. I was always alone. As an only kid, and being of the more introverted kind, I never really had many close friends, or much of a childhood. I would stick by mom's side more often than not. I suppose, it's also because of this, I grew up a tad faster then some of my peers. You see, mom is physically handicapped. She has difficulty going up and down the stairs, she can't run, her reflexes are slower then norm, and her hand grip is weak.

Being an only kid, and always at mom's side, I naturally became someone she depended a lot on, not just physical support. The circumstances that surround my birth and my childhood is not something I am ready to share with just anyone. If I have to be honest, there is less then 5 people in the entire world that know what those circumstances are. To be really truthful here, these circumstances have a huge bearing on my attitude, personality, and way of thought.

I guess you could say that I developed a more cynical outlook from a young age. I learned to weave webs fine enough to ensnare, to confuse and distract; I've also learned to be like the elves. Kids are most easily influenced in their youth. This is so true. I look at myself now, and realize just how affected I was, I still am.

Why do I love her that much? Why do I need her? I suppose, I categorized my life, as before Tash and after Tash. After everything that I've been through, not as much as some, yet definitely more than some, loving her was just so... easy. Remember I mentioned that she used to shower me with attention? I totally loved being in the centre of her attention. We started off by talking for a couple of minutes each time over the phone, till just before her LA trip, when, and I can still remember till this day, we talked for about 45 minutes over the phone. I still remember, mom had a tuition class that night, and I was eating dinner in the room: fish, rice and vege.

When she's with me, talking to me, giving me the attention I desire, I feel like I can fly. I don't feel any burden on my shoulders, so light, that I just float on air. It's like, an angel came down to earth, and carried me in their arms, up in the sky. It's like her presence drove away whatever darkness there is in my soul. I feel so alive. Such a cliche, saying that she's the light in my life. But I can't help being corny and using all those cliches. I naturally and instinctively hide my true nature, being afraid of getting hurt. With Tash, I just want to tell her everything. I don't want to hide anything, or evade anything. I want to be able to look into her eyes and tell her the truth that she deserves.

I'm not saying that, I lie all the time. I just perhaps tell part of the truth, or what I feel can be told. Value judgment, my lecturer will be so proud of me that I remember this term. Anyway. I've grown to love her, because loving her is not only the simplest thing I ever did, but also because it feels so right, loving her. I need her, because having tasted what life could possibly without her, I'm loath to go back to that life. I want the sun shining down, not the clouds in the sky.

I love her, because I can, because I want to, because it feels right. Stubborn. I know I am. But I believe you have to stand up for what you believe is true and what you hold dear, and she is something, someone I treasure with my whole heart.

TETIM

Pt 2

So I was talking about being scared. In all honesty, I very much am insecure. I know, I know. I don't look like it. However, it's the truth. You see, I'm afraid of love, and of being lonely. Back during my younger days, before I got to know Tash, I thought I would end up being single my entire life. Sure, I would possibly have relationships, but I never thought I'll get married, much less have kids. I see the adults in my life, some married, some not, and I envied the freedom the unmarried ones have. I want freedom, I'll admit it. I want the freedom to choose how to live my life, the freedom to do as I please, the freedom to not have to account to anyone.

As for love, I saw how love cut and hurt. I was scared, I STILL am scared, of getting hurt. Call me a coward, but I wasn't ready to hand over my heart to someone, and let them cut it into pieces. Tash, was really a turning point in my life. We started off a tentative note. I realized, I loved the attention she showered on me. She grew on me, faster then you can say 'Holy crap!'. I gave her my love, bit at a time, and she cherished it. Like I said, she gave me a feeling of security, of everlasting, of forever. It's like, I'm the ship that found a harbor to cast anchor.

Having tasted what life is like with love, I realize, I don't want to stay unmarried. I don't want to go home everyday to an empty house, a single bed. I don't want to turn into a fat ole spinster, eating, drinking and even smoking my way to my grave. I realized, I want to go back to a home where there'll be someone to greet me when I open the door, someone to love me and take away the weariness of the day, and someone to share and warm the bed with me. I would really love to have someone share my life with me.

I mentioned that I'm insecure, right? You see, I absolutely hate it when my princess is gone for ages. I don't mean hours, more like days, even weeks. I'm scared I'll lose her, I'm scared she'll not love me anymore, I'm scared, I don't mean anything to her anymore. Sounds stalkerish, even to the point of obsession, doesn't it? She means so much to me, that losing her, would equate hell on earth.

I can't help being scared. Even though she assures me time after time that she loves me, and that the only one she ever wants is me, I still can't help feeling afraid. Why, you ask. Well, simple really. You see, even till this day, I don't see anything about me, that could possibly attract her. Looks, there are so many out there that are better looking then me; Personality, mine is not the most interesting one out there; Intellect, I'm not that smart; Creativity, I'm just about average.

Hence. I don't get it, why she loves me. And I suspect, it's something I would never get for a very very long time, perhaps not till we start living together. Perhaps, I just have a low self confidence that's why I feel insecure at times. I have no clue.

Moments like this, I feel like I fail as a girlfriend. I doubt the way she feels about me, I doubt the truth of her words, I doubt our relationship. But when I doubt, I force myself to remember the times we shared, the words we exchanged, in anger or in love, and I doubt no more. I feel my emotions are like a roller coaster, and there's only one person who could put it at ease. When she's with me, I feel calm; When she's away for too long, I feel restless and upset.

Sometimes, I miss her so damn much, it's rather depressing and pathetic. A lovesick fool is what I am. Next up, would be about, why.

The Enigma That Is Me (T.E.T.I.M.)

Pt 1

So, I'm pretty sure you've all heard about that famous movie, 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button'. Well, I've got that movie somewhere in my external hard disk, but somehow I never got down to watching that show.

Anyway. The reason I brought up that award winning flick, was because I've decided to spend a couple of blog posts getting to know the enigma that is me. =)

I've been pretty busy these days. According to quiz I did on Facebook, it states that I distract myself from whatever I'm going through, kind of like I'm running away. Sad to say, I agree with that statement. The reason I surround myself with people and events, is because I'm trying my best, to keep my mind from dwelling on my princess.

People ask me about my girl, and I just smile. These few days apart without any contact, gave me tons of spare hours to do some thinking. Leanna asked me the other day, how can I continue trusting Tash after she continues to break her word to me time after time. That got me thinking. Truth be told, I have no clue. All I can say is, I just do. I don't know why, but she's different. Well, yea, she IS, since she's my gf, but that's not the point.

You see, I've always had a hard time trusting people. Ask Jein. SHE knows. You see us now, laughing and having fun together, and you'll never believe that it took me 3 months to warm up to her. And even then, not a whole lot, despite spending almost every day talking and studying together. I suppose, you could say it took around 9 months to a year, before I truly opened up to her. AND. I consider her part of my inner circle of friends, perhaps even to the extent of best friend.

Tash, on the other hand, we were friends for about a year, but our correspondence was scarce and few in between. We never really spent much time getting to know each other. Yet, I would say, she gained my trust the fastest. It's like, she gave me a sense of security. I felt like I don't have to pretend when I'm with her. Perhaps pretend is not the word. More like, I can just be me, and I didn't need to wear a mask. I guess, I felt like, I could trust her with my emotions.

Trust, is a huge issue with me. Once I trust you, it's hard to shake my trust in you; BUT. Once you do something to break that trust I had in you, it's even harder still to gain back my trust. Ask Shi Ni, she can tell you that. But. With Tash, it's the total opposite. Don't ask me why. It just is. Had a nice long talk with Jein the weekend she was at my place, and we talked about trust. It's just unexplainable, why I would distrust some people (and STILL do) and some people gain my trust easier then others.

Perhaps I'm just naive, but, I never felt the kind of security Tash offers in others. As in, I feel safe with her. When I think of her, I feel as if I've found a shelter. I feel like I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to be invincible, or pretend to be, and I can just lie down and rest, and... just be vulnerable. Perhaps I'm very much afraid. I'm really scared, to open up my heart to people. I guess, it's inherrent, this nature of mine, to distrust someone initially.

Wow. That's long. Looks like, it's time for bed. I'm beat. Continue analysing me and myself another time. Later peeps..!

梦想

I've been studying hard, harder then I ever did in all my 3 years in Monash. And I've been thinking about so much: studies, friends, life, love. Basically just thinking of the future. Therefore, I want to set a list of goals to accomplish throughout my lifetime here on earth.

• I want to retire by the time I'm 40
• I want to earn my 1st million by the time I retire, or even b4 that
• I want to hold a US citizenship, and if possible, PR of Switzerland/Australia/New Zealand
  
• I want to give my kids, everything I never had as a kid
• I want to provide for the ppl I love, financially

I even have this ideal plan of how to manage my finances. Assuming my starting paycheck is 2k, I would: keep aside 500 as savings, 500 for my parents, 1k for my monthly expenses, inclusive of everything; and if I have any extra, I would give 200 - 300 to my grandparents. =) By the end of the year, I would take whatever savings I have, and create a trust fund for my kid(s). It should mature by the time they are 18. I want to go for a vacation every year, if possible, every 6 months.

I've come to slowly appreciate my family, from my grandparents, to my own gf and kid. I want to ease my parents' financial burden, and provide for them. It's so not the time to dream, but, this is what I wanna do for my family.

Blardy big fat dreams. I hope I can accomplish at least half of it.

"人因梦想而伟大"

(亲爱的, 我因你而存在.)

ABC

So it was Valentine's yesterday. As compared to the other feb 14's in my life, I suppose you could say, that yesterday was joyous? I know, most, if not all my friends disagree with me on this, but, I have my reasons why I hang on. Call me naive, call me stupid, call me brainless. I don't really want to explain my actions to you, because it's going to be a long story, and I'm not really comfortable telling the whole world about it.

But, yes. Valentine's. I gave my girl a wonderful gift, and she loves it. I really hope, we grow old together, for all eternity. If, god forbid, we really don't make it, at least, I know, I did everything I could to hold on to the most amazing girl ever.

However, it was also a sad day for me. A friend's sister passed away yesterday, and that is a very sad news. This friend of mine stood by me and gave me hope and encouragement when I needed it. I'm sorry for her loss. I hope, she'll be alright with time.

fight

So we got back together, and her flight is in a couple of hours. I wish she could just appear in front of me. I miss her like crazy.

I kinda got into a real fight with my mom today. Over what? Over this whole, online friends coming for a visit. Sigh. If this is a taste of what things will be like in the far future, I shudder in fear.

I stood up for her, for us, because I believe. And I will stand up for her, time after time. Perhaps, mom will start suspecting something, but I don't really care. I have an urge to just tell her, that Tasha's my girl.

I don't know. I don't know how long I can take it, before I blurt out the truth.

shattered

We broke up. Sad to say, but yes, my true love cheated on me, and I ended up with a broken heart.

I'm sorry, for not listening to all your advice. But this is something I had to go through, to see for myself.

I'm sorry too, I hurt this bad. But. I was happy during those days. And nothing you can say, will change my mind. At least, I was happy.

So please. Don't criticize her in front of me. Don't talk bad about her. Just let her be. Let my heart heal at its own pace. Bring me out to drink.

=(

I have no idea what's wrong with me. Correction. YOU have no idea what this is doing to me. I am cranky, irritable, and short tempered. I snap at everybody and everything. I am pissed off at every little single thing. I wonder, are u feeling the same way? I wonder, can you sleep well at night?

There are so many questions I want to ask you: Are you alright? How was your day? Did the boy give you much trouble? Do you hurt anywhere? Do you miss me? What are you doing? There are so many things I want to tell you: I went out with my cousins the other day. I miss you terribly. I cant sleep without you. Lessons were dull. My heart is throbbing.

I know why your phone bill is still unsettled. I wish, you could do it soon. I dont know, how long I can go without getting any news from you. My days get a little longer, as my fuse gets a little shorter. I dont know, how I get through each day without talking to you. I dont know, if you miss me as badly as I miss you.

I miss you baby.... I miss you so very very much....

Nightmare

her: I had a nightmare.
me: What is it?
her: I dreamt that I was getting married to a guy.
me: Huh?!
her: Yeah... This is the 1st time I ever had a nightmare like that before.
me: Wow... At least, tell me he was cute.
her: Erm... I couldn't see his face
me: Okay... Was he tall?
her: Erm... I guess you could say that...
me: Wow... So, I guess you really want to get married that bad, huh
her: I guess so...
me: Okay... Let's get married next year!
her: Huh?! No!
me: Why not?
her: That's like, around the corner.
me: Hmmm... Yeah!
her: But we're hardly going to see each other... What kind of marriage is this?
me: Erm... You could always... exchange to come over and study
her: Baby...
me: Baby...
her: ...
me: Baby... I was only joking
her: THANK YOU!
me: Hahahaha... You totally fell for that, didn't you?
her: Only for a minute...! Hahaha...

(That idiot of mine... Can't believe she fell for it that easily... LOL! Sure wish I could see her face when she found out I was just pulling her leg.)

Whatever It Takes - Leona Lewis

Leona Lewis - I Will Be

This song was dedicated to me by my baby... Enjoy...

Standing Tall

Westlife - Us Against The World

Us against the world
Against the world
Us against the world
Against the world

You and I, we've been at it so long
But still got the strongest fire
You and I, we still know how to talk
Know how to walk that wire

Sometimes I feel like the world is against me
The sound of your voice, baby, that's what saves me
When we're together I feel so invincible

'Cause it's us against the world, you and me, against them all
If you're listening to this words know that we're standing tall
I don't ever see the day that I won't catch you when you fall
'Cause it's us against the world, tonight

Us against the world
Against the world

There'll be days when we're on different sides
But that doesn't last too long
We find ways to get it on track
And know how to turn back on

Sometimes I feel I can't keep it together
Then you hold me close and you make it better
When I'm with you I can feel so unbreakable

'Cause it's us against the world, you and me, against them all
If you're listening to this words know that we're standing tall
I don't ever see the day that I won't catch you when you fall
'Cause it's us against the world, tonight

We're not going to break 'cause we both still believe
We know what we've got and we've got what we need
Alright, we're doing something right

'Cause it's us against the world, you and me, against them all
If you're listening to this words know that we're standing tall
I don't ever see the day that I won't catch you when you fall

Us against the world, you and me, against them all
If you're listening to this words know that we're standing tall
I don't ever see the day that I won't catch you when you fall
Us against the world, yeah, it's us against the world, baby
Us against the world tonight

Us against the world
Against the world
Us against the world

A dozen

Mom wants 12 grand kids, and none adopted... I wonder, whether mummy wants that many as well... LOL!!!

When mom told me about this, I just looked at her, and started laughing. I was eating cendol, 'Green Worms', when we were talking about this. I can't help laughing, it was so funny!! Then she looked at me, and said that I'm useless, and she'll settle for 3... Hahahaha...

I sent Panda a message in MySpace, and I can just imagine the look on her face. Now, that is priceless. I should have just waited till she's over here before breaking the news to her... Hahahahaha...

perv

And so, most of the drama is over. I'm still hesitant over the ending tho.

Anyway. A recap of the happenings during the past few days.

Lil panda was in hospital and there's this nurse, B, who was very attracted to her. B, under the pretense of giving panda a sponge bath, took advantage of her, by, kissing, licking and touching her private parts very intimately. Even to the extend of joining panda in bed. Of course, panda had no idea this was happening because she was heavily medicated.

We, decided to put a stop to it after B refused to heed our warnings and threats, and the hospital refused to take our word for it. We hooked up spycams around the room to catch B doing it again. We, only told panda at the last minute and she was freaking pissed off at all of us and refused to talk to any of us. Anyway, we managed to catch B on tape and we gave the hospital administrators a copy of this tape. They fired B immediately and gave panda a full waiver of the hospital fees. According to my friend, B will not be able to get a job as a nurse anymore.

The things B did to panda is so sickening. I close my eyes, and I can vaguely picture her doing it. I feel sick because there was no way I could have stopped her. I don't blame panda for getting pissed off and mad at all of us. I don't blame her for her hurtful words. I just hope she gets over this soon.

This is the simplified version. I don't have the stomach to go into details. So just ask me if you really really need to know.

short

Ok. This is downright insane. My friend was hit by a car and is in a goddamn coma, and my gf is sporting a broken arm for beating up the bitch that did this to our friend. Bloody fucked up bitch I tell you. Just because you got rejected, and got beaten up when you refused to back down, doesn't give you the right to hit my friend down with a car. What the hell is your problem anyway? Well, at least she's behind bars now. Man, I want to hurt her too, for hurting my friend, and my gf as well.

On a different note, I need help. Help me, teach me to sweep her off her feet and leave her breathless. I sure as hell need help. I'm out of ideas already, seeing how that princess decided to do it next year. Wow. She's too blardy romantic for me to compete. So you people need to help me. Help, help, HELP!! *grumbles*

proud

Imagine someone said this about you: I have an anouncement to make, i'm in love and i'm engaged to my beautiful gf and her name is XXX. My heart belongs to her and i will love her until the day i stop breathing. So if you are looking for something more than a friendship back off because it will never happen.

I've never had someone who stood up for me in that manner before. Of course, you can imagine that I have a stupid grin on my face the whole time. I was floating, literally. She really kept her word. There's nothing to be jealous about. She's even announcing it to the whole world that we are engaged. Sure we are, but I'll still like to get her a ring, even if it's only symbolic now.

She's sweet. It sure feels nice having someone defend you like that. One day, perhaps one day, I'll show her jz how much she really means to me after all. =)