Monday blues

Yet another Monday. I think I'm starting to age prematurely. Reason being, I slept at 10 last night, and managed to be late for work this morning. How awesome is that? In my defence, I was caught in a jam in a stretch of road which normally takes me 15 minutes to clear. Today, it took me more than twice that time.

And so I've drawn a conclusion. Well. A couple of 'em.

- I shouldn't sleep at 2am on weekends, unless I don't have to wake up early the next day.
- Coffee in the morning, is a must. In fact, coffee at least once a day is a must.
- Constant interaction with the computer is bad, really bad. Especially after office hours.
- Procrastination is bad. Or wait. Is it good?
- Smokes seem more and more attractive right now, given my inability to go w/o coffee the whole day.
- Rain, is very much a factor in my inability to leave earlier.
- Food makes me feel nauseous right now.

Ok. That's more than just a couple.

I need a nap. Urgently. Desperately.

Dreams

I dreamt. I dreamt of a normal everyday life, the difference being you and Dorion are here. I dreamt, that you and I were resting in the room, 'cause we had a dinner to attend later. I woke up feeling a lil hungry, and grandma baked bread, a whole variety of it, much like a small scale bakery. I chose a sausage roll, which had some mayo on it. I stepped out the room and saw Dorion being doted upon by mom and grandma. I offered him a bite. He took a mouthful and dad told me to give him some milk before he ate the bread or else he might vomit (how does this make sense?). So I told him to yell for you if he felt like vomitting. He said ok. I went to get him a cup of milk. Then I woke up.

I remember feeling a certain sense of loss when I woke up. A lil disorientated. It's been so long, since I last dreamt of you, and my 1st time dreaming of him. I guess, I miss you both, more than I realize. I remember hugging my boy all the time. =(

untitled

She told me, I should get sunnies. Reason being, that people would fall in love with me the moment they look into my eyes. *Laughs* How cute.

I miss her, every minute of every day that my mind is not occupied. She's central in all my fantasies, my desires, my dreams, my make-believe world. Hard, being apart this way. Doubly hard, not being able to talk everyday. Triply hard, when things get tough and strength of will gets tested. I wish, she could come for my convocation. I wish, she could just come over, whenever. I actually asked her to come over when she asked me what I wanted as a gift for doing well for exams. (I got 3D 1C) Sadly, it couldn't be anytime soon. I asked for Xmas, and she said she'll try. But idk. Somehow, it feels like the odds are not in my favor. Or perhaps she'll actually come this time.

I... It feels like I'm asking for the moon, the earth, the sun, the entire universe. Feels like I'm mooning after a phantom, an illustration, a figment of my imagination. Am I just dreaming? I miss my baby. *pouts* Funnily enough, this post is not meant to be emo, yet, it seems to be heading that way. Doesn't it? I feel like, I'm asking for more than she can/could/want to give. Do I? Perhaps I do.

She's really amazing. Life would be so much better if she was here. She could make me smile just like that, without needing much effort. Just being able to hear her voice, hear her laughter, is emough to put a smile on my face. When we talk, it feels like the rest of the world just falls apart, into the background. She brightens up my day and leaves me in a good mood for the rest of the day. Just her. Her and my kid. Family. That's all I want, for Xmas.

Is it too early to want a Xmas gift?

*Editted*

My castle in the air, is that of you me and a family. To be able to go home to hugs and kisses, and welcoming embraces and kids having fun in the background. That's my castle in the air. You, me a family.

150710

OUTDATED!

OMG!

Ok. Bit hysterical there. Forgive me. I was actually talking about me being outdated about the latest music hits. I've been so out of it, I don't even have songs like, 'Nothing On You', 'Need You Now', 'Never Knew I Needed', 'The Only Exception' and so many more. Like seriously, I'm so out of it. I'm so going to download the latest Secondhand Serenade album. I'm like this huge fan and the music is just so awesome. I think I can practically sing all their songs.

On another note, I think my emotions are going haywire. You're going to think I'm nuts (not that I'm not) but it's been ages since I last talked to her. (I sound like a broken down record player. Even I'm disgusting myself, so you peeps can just skip this paragraph or so) Sigh. I dunno. Let's skip this. Or rather let's just end this here.

On an interesting note. My 'teacher' has a tattoo around his arm. Awesome

Week 2

Week 2. It's still oh so boring. Meh. I have no idea how to spend my time in the office. I wonder if it's possible I continue writing during office hours. I'm being reduced to doing all my e-learnings now, while waiting for work to do. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually WANT work. Wth you're asking? Yeah. It's totally wth. Gah. Boredom settles in.

Updates!

Ok. So I realized that it's been quite a while since I last posted. April 11 till now, that's like, what, 3 months or so? It's no excuse, but I plead finals, World Cup, Thomas Cup, and whatnot as reasonable distraction. But hey, it really doesn't matter, 'cause this blog aint dead after all. I mean, I'm here now, blogging aint I?

So anyway. Thomas Cup is over, with China winning the Thomas and losing the Uber. That's old news. Right. Carry on. The World Cup 2010 is here, and Finals is but a few days away. The finalists? Netherlands vs Spain. Epic, aint it? The so called top teams, like, Brazil, France, Italy all crashed even before the semis. They say that this World Cup 2010 is the world cup of upsets, and I so have to agree.

Anyway. Here I am, on an awesome Thursday morning, at freaking 8.56am, blogging. Reason being not that I've insommia, but rather 'cause I'm at work. Yeah. You heard me. WORK. Geez. I kinda regret telling my manager that I'm free from 1st July onwards. I haven't even had a break yet! *sadface* And! My other friends are still at home, enjoying themselves, pigging it out, hanging out with friends, watching world cup and whatnot. I missed that Germany vs Spain match this morning. An EPIC. And I missed it! *SIGH*

So yeah. Work. A freshie over here, I couldn't even log on to the computer without needing someone to help me, till late yesterday evening. See? That's why I'm blogging right now. Apparently there's supposed to be this, training/meeting thingy that starts at 9, but, looking around, there aint that many people around, so yeah, some free time to kill.

Work is alright, I guess? Was just stoning around at the office for the past few days, since my seniors/colleagues are all busy busy busy, and they don't really have the time to teach me, except when they have a short break. So basically, I'm just sitting there watching them work, den they'll explain a lil here and there. They're kinda nice, I guess? Well, those that I interacted with. The rest, idk yet. Takes time I guess? I hate that I need time to take up the initiative to talk to people, shy? reserve? cowardice? whatever you want to call it.

I could go on and on and on about work, but I really rather not, especially since I'm @ work. So onward to my personal life. Speaking of which, I realised that I actually missed typing. Idk how my mind works. I'm just weird that way.

**********************************************************************************

2 hours later and this post isn't even ready to be published. Reason being that I just got out of that... thingy. So basically. Now I'm freezing and I'm plain bored, and I'm resorting to blogging as my only entertainment, seeing that they blocked basically all my entertainment sites, from Facebook to Twitter to even fanfics, and let's not even talk about MSN or even Ebuddy. Blocked blocked blocked blocked blocked. Lucky my phone didn't get blocked. Anyway. Think it's pretty much an update on most of my life at the moment. I'm off to 'study' once more! Toodles darlins!

(Damn. I sound a lil........(idk... bimbotic? gay?)

TETIM

Pt 3

So I'm supposed to be talking about why. Why I've grown to love her, to believe in her, to need her like I do.

I've always believed that, looks can be deceiving. Anything can be portrayed as if real, and anything can be hidden, if you know how. Everyone has secrets, some more then others. I was always alone. As an only kid, and being of the more introverted kind, I never really had many close friends, or much of a childhood. I would stick by mom's side more often than not. I suppose, it's also because of this, I grew up a tad faster then some of my peers. You see, mom is physically handicapped. She has difficulty going up and down the stairs, she can't run, her reflexes are slower then norm, and her hand grip is weak.

Being an only kid, and always at mom's side, I naturally became someone she depended a lot on, not just physical support. The circumstances that surround my birth and my childhood is not something I am ready to share with just anyone. If I have to be honest, there is less then 5 people in the entire world that know what those circumstances are. To be really truthful here, these circumstances have a huge bearing on my attitude, personality, and way of thought.

I guess you could say that I developed a more cynical outlook from a young age. I learned to weave webs fine enough to ensnare, to confuse and distract; I've also learned to be like the elves. Kids are most easily influenced in their youth. This is so true. I look at myself now, and realize just how affected I was, I still am.

Why do I love her that much? Why do I need her? I suppose, I categorized my life, as before Tash and after Tash. After everything that I've been through, not as much as some, yet definitely more than some, loving her was just so... easy. Remember I mentioned that she used to shower me with attention? I totally loved being in the centre of her attention. We started off by talking for a couple of minutes each time over the phone, till just before her LA trip, when, and I can still remember till this day, we talked for about 45 minutes over the phone. I still remember, mom had a tuition class that night, and I was eating dinner in the room: fish, rice and vege.

When she's with me, talking to me, giving me the attention I desire, I feel like I can fly. I don't feel any burden on my shoulders, so light, that I just float on air. It's like, an angel came down to earth, and carried me in their arms, up in the sky. It's like her presence drove away whatever darkness there is in my soul. I feel so alive. Such a cliche, saying that she's the light in my life. But I can't help being corny and using all those cliches. I naturally and instinctively hide my true nature, being afraid of getting hurt. With Tash, I just want to tell her everything. I don't want to hide anything, or evade anything. I want to be able to look into her eyes and tell her the truth that she deserves.

I'm not saying that, I lie all the time. I just perhaps tell part of the truth, or what I feel can be told. Value judgment, my lecturer will be so proud of me that I remember this term. Anyway. I've grown to love her, because loving her is not only the simplest thing I ever did, but also because it feels so right, loving her. I need her, because having tasted what life could possibly without her, I'm loath to go back to that life. I want the sun shining down, not the clouds in the sky.

I love her, because I can, because I want to, because it feels right. Stubborn. I know I am. But I believe you have to stand up for what you believe is true and what you hold dear, and she is something, someone I treasure with my whole heart.

TETIM

Pt 2

So I was talking about being scared. In all honesty, I very much am insecure. I know, I know. I don't look like it. However, it's the truth. You see, I'm afraid of love, and of being lonely. Back during my younger days, before I got to know Tash, I thought I would end up being single my entire life. Sure, I would possibly have relationships, but I never thought I'll get married, much less have kids. I see the adults in my life, some married, some not, and I envied the freedom the unmarried ones have. I want freedom, I'll admit it. I want the freedom to choose how to live my life, the freedom to do as I please, the freedom to not have to account to anyone.

As for love, I saw how love cut and hurt. I was scared, I STILL am scared, of getting hurt. Call me a coward, but I wasn't ready to hand over my heart to someone, and let them cut it into pieces. Tash, was really a turning point in my life. We started off a tentative note. I realized, I loved the attention she showered on me. She grew on me, faster then you can say 'Holy crap!'. I gave her my love, bit at a time, and she cherished it. Like I said, she gave me a feeling of security, of everlasting, of forever. It's like, I'm the ship that found a harbor to cast anchor.

Having tasted what life is like with love, I realize, I don't want to stay unmarried. I don't want to go home everyday to an empty house, a single bed. I don't want to turn into a fat ole spinster, eating, drinking and even smoking my way to my grave. I realized, I want to go back to a home where there'll be someone to greet me when I open the door, someone to love me and take away the weariness of the day, and someone to share and warm the bed with me. I would really love to have someone share my life with me.

I mentioned that I'm insecure, right? You see, I absolutely hate it when my princess is gone for ages. I don't mean hours, more like days, even weeks. I'm scared I'll lose her, I'm scared she'll not love me anymore, I'm scared, I don't mean anything to her anymore. Sounds stalkerish, even to the point of obsession, doesn't it? She means so much to me, that losing her, would equate hell on earth.

I can't help being scared. Even though she assures me time after time that she loves me, and that the only one she ever wants is me, I still can't help feeling afraid. Why, you ask. Well, simple really. You see, even till this day, I don't see anything about me, that could possibly attract her. Looks, there are so many out there that are better looking then me; Personality, mine is not the most interesting one out there; Intellect, I'm not that smart; Creativity, I'm just about average.

Hence. I don't get it, why she loves me. And I suspect, it's something I would never get for a very very long time, perhaps not till we start living together. Perhaps, I just have a low self confidence that's why I feel insecure at times. I have no clue.

Moments like this, I feel like I fail as a girlfriend. I doubt the way she feels about me, I doubt the truth of her words, I doubt our relationship. But when I doubt, I force myself to remember the times we shared, the words we exchanged, in anger or in love, and I doubt no more. I feel my emotions are like a roller coaster, and there's only one person who could put it at ease. When she's with me, I feel calm; When she's away for too long, I feel restless and upset.

Sometimes, I miss her so damn much, it's rather depressing and pathetic. A lovesick fool is what I am. Next up, would be about, why.

The Enigma That Is Me (T.E.T.I.M.)

Pt 1

So, I'm pretty sure you've all heard about that famous movie, 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button'. Well, I've got that movie somewhere in my external hard disk, but somehow I never got down to watching that show.

Anyway. The reason I brought up that award winning flick, was because I've decided to spend a couple of blog posts getting to know the enigma that is me. =)

I've been pretty busy these days. According to quiz I did on Facebook, it states that I distract myself from whatever I'm going through, kind of like I'm running away. Sad to say, I agree with that statement. The reason I surround myself with people and events, is because I'm trying my best, to keep my mind from dwelling on my princess.

People ask me about my girl, and I just smile. These few days apart without any contact, gave me tons of spare hours to do some thinking. Leanna asked me the other day, how can I continue trusting Tash after she continues to break her word to me time after time. That got me thinking. Truth be told, I have no clue. All I can say is, I just do. I don't know why, but she's different. Well, yea, she IS, since she's my gf, but that's not the point.

You see, I've always had a hard time trusting people. Ask Jein. SHE knows. You see us now, laughing and having fun together, and you'll never believe that it took me 3 months to warm up to her. And even then, not a whole lot, despite spending almost every day talking and studying together. I suppose, you could say it took around 9 months to a year, before I truly opened up to her. AND. I consider her part of my inner circle of friends, perhaps even to the extent of best friend.

Tash, on the other hand, we were friends for about a year, but our correspondence was scarce and few in between. We never really spent much time getting to know each other. Yet, I would say, she gained my trust the fastest. It's like, she gave me a sense of security. I felt like I don't have to pretend when I'm with her. Perhaps pretend is not the word. More like, I can just be me, and I didn't need to wear a mask. I guess, I felt like, I could trust her with my emotions.

Trust, is a huge issue with me. Once I trust you, it's hard to shake my trust in you; BUT. Once you do something to break that trust I had in you, it's even harder still to gain back my trust. Ask Shi Ni, she can tell you that. But. With Tash, it's the total opposite. Don't ask me why. It just is. Had a nice long talk with Jein the weekend she was at my place, and we talked about trust. It's just unexplainable, why I would distrust some people (and STILL do) and some people gain my trust easier then others.

Perhaps I'm just naive, but, I never felt the kind of security Tash offers in others. As in, I feel safe with her. When I think of her, I feel as if I've found a shelter. I feel like I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to be invincible, or pretend to be, and I can just lie down and rest, and... just be vulnerable. Perhaps I'm very much afraid. I'm really scared, to open up my heart to people. I guess, it's inherrent, this nature of mine, to distrust someone initially.

Wow. That's long. Looks like, it's time for bed. I'm beat. Continue analysing me and myself another time. Later peeps..!

RSUC

And so mid sem break is here. Finally. After slogging like hell over my cramped assignment schedule, I can finally take a breather and rest for a short while before taking up my books once again. I mean, I've really got to start sometime soon.

Like I said, holidays are here. I was so supposed to meet up with a couple of friends when I came back, but, it got canceled. Therefore, I'm stuck here at home for now. But it aint all that bad... yet.

I came back yesterday, and dad drove me to town to get lunch for me. He got me Nasi Minang with beef rendang. YUMMY! I ate the whole packet, which is like, a huge bowl of rice. And that was around 3 pm. At 6 plus, we went to check out some appliances. My folks wanted to get an oven and a microwave. And so we checked out some other stuff as well since we were in the vincinity. Looked out for fridges, tvs, washing machines and water heaters. lol!

We went over to Royal Sungai Ujong Club, RSUC, for dinner. We ordered: 2 mutton briyani, 1 chicken kebab, 2 pieces of tandoori chicken, 1 tandoori naan, 2 lime juices and 1 teh tarik kurang manis. Well, most of it went down MY stomach. =D oh right. Did I mention that the briyani is very very filling? Another big place of rice. *blushes* oh! I also forgot to add the fact that I had ice cream after all that.

Fantastic dinner, only to be rivaled by perhaps, steamboat. Since I can pretty much go at least 5 rounds for steamboat, I suppose it's safe to say that steamboat is really my kinda meal. I'm so looking forward to grandpa preparing it. I know I know. I'm greedy. But I can't help it. I just love food, yummy, tasty, flavourful food.

My baby calls me greedy, but I swear, I'm not. I just have a passion for good food. =D So yeah. I'm looking forward to having fabulous food while I'm back. I promise I'll shed the extra pounds when I'm back in hostel. =P

cute

Apparently, I am not monogamous. I have, to date, 4 wives. Yeah, just like a Muslim guy. I mean, no offense or anything, I was just commenting on the number. =x So yea, from the 1st to the last: My baby in USA, my handphone (it's the main way we communicate), my laptop (how else can I send her emails?) and my desktop (wide screen, perfect for movies. Enough said.).

Hahaha. So apparently I cant keep my hands off my other wives, which is making my baby jealous. LOL! She says when she comes over, she's going to have a good long talk with my laptop, and I'm not allowed in the room when she does it. LOL! She's goofy.

Talking about goofy. My baby is goofy, but sweet. She would insist on waiting up for me every day. And if she's tired, she'll never admit it. She'll put the blame on everything else, ranging from the baby to the radio. There's even a new addition this time: the air con.

She kept insisting that she's not tired, yet, when I asked her to close her eyes, she fell asleep immediately to the sound of my voice putting her to bed. She's a pig, MY pig. She's so cute that even when she was about to sleep, she told me: Just so you know, it really was the air con. It wasn't me. (She was yawning)

I love her little ways, because they're so cute. Thinking back on her little behaviour and habits, makes me want to smile and shake my head at the same time. She's adorable to a fault. There should be a law against people as irresistable as her. =P I love that panda of mine. Sue me for being so into her, but soon, you'll understand why. =X



(P/s: Perhaps I should start calling her goofball? lol)

Jumbo

Let me tell you a story about my lil brat. He's around 7 - 8 months old, and he's a smart lil devil. The brat apparently climbed up to the table, and stole the whole boxful of baby cookies. Those cookies are like, super duper HUGE cookies. Those jumbo sized ones. Well, he climbed down with them, went under the cover, and started munching. By the time he was found out, the whole boxful of cookies were gone. LOL! Imagine that, my lil brat doing all that. That was one of the better jokes I've heard.

Of course, for the adults in the house, that wasn't funny at all. They had to deal with him being hyper. Imagine him sucker punching another baby around his age, and laughing and shouting the whole day. And he was up playing with trains at 1 am. LOL!

I proudly present the greedy pig, Jamar James Houser to you peeps. He's my lil brat when it comes to mischief and naughty stuff. Of course, I was cheering him on when he sucker punched the other one, which in turn got me a scolding from my baby. But it was all in the name of fun? =P And besides, my baby cant stay mad at me for long. It's a mutual thing. My voice calms her down, and vice versa. I wonder, if what she said could be for real. =X

And then there's the matter of a personal bet with my baby. She might not remember it in a few years time but I definitely will. We'll see who wins baby, that's a promise. I'm going to get what I want. =P You're going down baby! Muahahahaha...

Oh talking about my princess. She's a one of a kind idiot smartass. I love her so much. When things are going well for us, without any trouble or anything, talking to her through the phone is the sweetest time of the day. I don't mean that I don't like spending time with my friends, but this is different. I love talking to my baby on the phone despite the phone charges. You might say it's total bullshit, but if I don't hear her voice b4 sleeping, I just somehow can't sleep at all. I love my baby, that it hurts to be so far apart. But the end is going to be worth the wait.

Damaged - Danity Kane

Dear Panda,

You don't want to talk to me? I just... Have you ever thought of how this is making me feel? I need you to tell me how you feel about this. You can't go all quiet on me just like that. You even think that I... Sigh... Never mind.

I think you don't really believe me when I say that I trust you no matter what. This falls in the 'no matter what' category. Surely you know my stand... I told you before, no matter how ugly the world out there gets, you can always turn to me. Baby, I want to turn to you, even though this is my friends we are talking about. Come on baby. I know you're upset over the whole situation, but, won't you reassure me of your feelings? I need to hear you say I love you.

Twice I called. You didn't even respond to me. I don't think you even want to talk about it. Baby... Please... You're upset and idk how to make it up to you... Sigh...

opinions

I didn't mean to worry you peeps. Perhaps, I shouldn't have made you guys so worried, by constantly telling you what happened. I'm sorry. I know, you guys really care for me. And I'm thankful I've got a great bunch of friends like you. Really, this comes from the bottom of my heart.

The time I spend with my gf is the sweetest ever. Almost as if I'm dreaming. If this is a dream, I'm hoping it would last. I'm reluctant to wake up, because I don't think anything could be sweeter then this.

However, I'm going to make more time for my friends. My baby is important, but my friends are important too. So I'm going to spend more time with them, and talk about other things besides my gf. Much as I would love to share her with everybody, I know, that has to change.

Angel

So I'm in uni at this god forbidden hour. 9 am is way too early to be stuck here in the bloody library. But a girls' got to do what a girls' got to do: assignment. If I plan on going back early, I'll have to try to finish this confronted commercial banking assignment. But enough about that. Like I was saying, I was in the library, and my mind is like, on the other side of the globe.

I really really miss my baby. I just can't stop thinking of her. She fills my thoughts all the time. Every moment I'm not joking around with those monkeys or attempting to study or chatting, I'm always thinking about her. Call me a pervert, but I can't stop thinking and wondering how would it be like to spend all the time in her company when she comes over. I want to know what it would be like to share a bed with her, and to wake up and see her face each and every morning. I know, I should just wait till the day she's actually here, but I can't really help it.

Perhaps I'm taking it for certain that she's really coming over. And I really want that to happen. I mean, her coming over is seriously going to make my birthday the best ever. Not that it's not going to be good, but with her here, it's going to be way better. And her present to me is just a bonus. I can't really wait till the day she's actually in my arms, and I'm holding her close for real. I can ask for hugs and kisses anytime of the day and she would willingly give them to me. I can just hold her for no reason, and just murmur i love you just because I can.

I really really want her here, by my side right now.

=) I still remember how I tease her about youtube. She threatened to punish me if I ever did put her lovely voice on youtube. =) And she wouldn't tell me what that punishment would be. =/ and she plays dirty. She summed up our 1st night together to be 'special' when I asked her what she thinks will happen. =X She's terrible and mean and evil. And I totally love her for all that and more. She's playful enough to keep me intrigued, and wonderful enough to keep me hooked. She has a great personality and I totally love her for that.

foff

Ok. Remember a couple of posts ago, the letter to mysterious Ms. J? Well, turns out I was mistaken. Ms. J's name is Crystal.

So this ass of a person called Crystal, is freaking psychotic, delusional lunatic. She can go jump into the erupting volcano for all I care. She can try all she can, but I know, she won't succeed, because my baby and I have utter faith and trust in each other.

So yea, this is to you:

You can say all that, but at the end of the day, she's going to fall into my embrace, she's going to spend the rest of her life with me, and she sure as hell won't want you as a friend anymore. Nothing you do will drive us apart, because nothing can come between us.

吵架

还记得，昨天跟敏敏说，我们才吵过一次架。


都变了。也不知道，到底是如何发生的。


我只须要你每天陪我谈五分钟。。。 没人打插的五分钟。。。 好难吗？？


总觉得，you've got more time for others.


Do I not warrant any of your time as well?? Do I not deserve a couple of words with you without being interrupted or being put on hold?? I hardly do that to you. I put aside everything to talk to you. At least, give me some private moments to share with you. Your voice can do wonders for me. Just hearing it can uplift my mood. 塔莎，你回来吧。。。 不要跑到我跟不到的地方去，好不好？？

Letter

I hate people who call themselves friends and turn around and cast you down. The letter below ain't meant for any of my friends, so please, don't perasan case and think that I'm talking about you. This letter, is meant for my baby's friend, so called friend that is.

Dear J,

Seriously, I consider myself to be a rather open minded person. I can accept criticism and opinions from my friends. I don't bite at them for telling me to be cautious, for telling me not to put too much hope in it. I accept their views, and I respect them for telling me. But I know, at the end of the day, as long as I have her, it's going to be alright.

I really don't mind you sharing your views and your experience with her. In fact, I'll even sit down and listen to your stories. But, I don't like the way you're forcing it on her. By always telling her that this relationship between us will never ever work out, you're planting fear in my baby. You're making her depressed. As a friend, you should just be there for her. You can warn her and all that, but at the end of the day, don't keep telling her that it will never possibly work out.

I hate it that you keep trying to poison my baby's mind. You made her feel so upset she couldn't stop crying. As a lover, I can't bear to see the tears rolling down her cheek, 'cause to me, they are precious. Perhaps, as a friend, you don't give two hoots as to whether she cried the whole night. But I care. I hate it that YOU made her cry.

J,

You call yourself a friend. Why can't you see the pain you're causing her? The pain of me not being by her side is bad enough, she doesn't need the pain of fear that I would abandon her. That fear should be groundless, as I have no intention of casting her aside. I might not be perfect, but I'll not break her heart. She shouldn't even think about it. So why? Why must you instill in her the pain of that fear?

Can't you see that she is emotionally fragile? She's like a precious gem, the rarest of the lot. All she should get is love and attention and care. She doesn't need more worries or insecurities. Our relationship should be the one sustaining her, keeping her strong, not breaking her down. You're not helping things by telling her all those negative things.

Even I have friends, whose long distance relationships don't last. I have seen friends on both side of the fence, the ones who got dumped, and the ones who dump. They have seen the ups and downs of being in a long distance relationship. Sure, I do discuss my relationship with them. They did advice me, but never put me down. They make sure I know the pros and cons, and be by my side when I need them.

What I need is support, or the very least, no criticisms. That's what she needs too. She needs you to be there to care, to help guide her to avoid certain pitfalls. She doesn't need you to add to her troubles and worries. You made my precious so depressed, it hurts to hear her cry over the phone, and not be able to hold her close and show her how groundless her fears are.

J,

I swear to god, I'm going to make this work between me and my baby. I'll not let anything come between us, not even family, not even you. I'm going to prove you wrong, and show you that this relationship between me and my love is going to work. You won't be able to strike us down, because I know, there is something magical between the both of us, and there ain't nothing you can do or say to destroy or ruin it.

3... 2.... 1

Countdowns. It's cool when it's only seconds, minutes, hours even. But to countdown days and months, it just isn't right. I mean, the wait is just so torturous.

She told me, to countdown is going to make it seem even longer. At that time, I didn't agree, but now, I totally agree with her. The figures still seem so huge even after what seemed like eternity. But somehow, part of me still wants to countdown the days.

I can't wait for her to come down. I want so much for her to be here. I can't wait to spend every day in her company. It's going to be my 1st time spending that much time with someone, but I can't wait. I've been looking forward to this since forever. Really really wish I could catch a glimpse of what it would be like 168 days down the road.

*Imagining*

But yea, I'm going to celebrate the so-called most important birthday with the most precious person in my life. What else could a girl ask for? (That doesn't mean no presents alright) I'm so going to celebrate with my parents, grandparents, seremban pals (if possible), and my kl pals. And she's going to be there by my side all the time.

I look forward to meals with her, tv together, cinema together, games together, and outings together. I just wanna hold her close whenever we're alone, and have her sit on my lap so i can hug her from behind while we're watching movies on the computer.

All in all, I want her to be here. I can't wait. This is even worse then Christmas. At least, Xmas comes earlier, and I don't know what presents I'll get, if any. But this! I already KNOW what I'm going to get. Grrr! I hate waiting!

puppet

Comprehension. Is it a lot to ask for, to comprehend what I'm saying 1st, before jumping down my throat and to conclusions?

I wish you would listen to me, hear me out before jumping to conclusions and start defending yourself. Never did I ever pointed the finger at you. You asked after me, and I tell you, and you start defending yourself. I never even put the blame at your doorstep. Your first priority is to defend yourself, and clear yourself of all the blame. Somehow, it always ends up being other peoples' fault. Somehow, you're always blame free. Every human being, even if you are a deity reincarnated, is never free of flaws and fault. How then, can you always be free of fault?

You don't even want to listen to my explanation. It's a waste of time and money and breath talking to you, trying to reason out things with you. I am only human. Even I have my weaknesses. I am no humanoid, not a robot, not a machine. I have my own thoughts and feelings. My emotions DO spike up and down.

I don't want to be caught between you both. It feels like I'm the mouse deer caught in between two warring elephants. It sucks because the both of you are equally important to me. It sucks even more because you both are making use of me, not physically, but emotionally and mentally. It sucks all the more because I can't explain to my baby how upset I feel, and end up taking it out on her. It sucks to the max because everything is so complicated.

Simplicity is something I've come to treasure and value. Everything should be simple and not in too many shades of overlapping gray. Many a things, my baby make it seem so simple. This only makes me love her all the more.

People tell me, knowledge is power. I say, not all knowledge is power. Many a times, knowledge brings pain and suffering. I've experienced that many times before. The more you know about something, the more likely you'll do something to prevent it if it's something less than pleasant. The more you try to prevent something, more often than not, you bring it upon yourself. I believe, what will happen, will happen. Why torture and torment yourself with the knowledge that it will happen? I rather live in ignorance.

I truly dislike this feeling. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. I hate being made a toy, a real life, flesh and blood, toy. It's repulsive. I've decided I don't like politics after all.