黑

我并非是个有胆的人。话说到底，我是个蹜头乌龟。我害怕。我害怕矢去。

我认，自己并不是什么君子，不是什么伟大人物。之所以死赖着不放手，并不是完全一百巴仙信任你。不是说不爱你，不相信你。而是说，自己没勇气寻找另一份爱情。我的意识是，自己没胆子要求分手。
我害怕失去你。害怕，一个没有你的生活。朋友全都觉得，我是个蠢蛋。我。。。不否认他们的看法。可是，没有你的世界，是多么的黑暗，多么的可怕。没有了你，就好像失去了靠岸。以前，总觉得，只要我爱你，那就足够。现在。。。我也不懂得自己在想些什么东西。

依然如旧，梦着一个有你，有我，有家庭的未来。现在觉得，那个梦，很有可能，就只是个梦。一个美好，却达不成的梦。也不懂，想念你，是出于心底，或是因习惯成自然；爱你，是因习惯，因害怕，因没勇心，还是因情太深。有可能，你会觉得，我对你，冷淡了。不是刻意要这么对待你，而是想你想到心太疼了，不知要从哪 儿说起。

你走得越远，走得越快，我没能力跟得上。能做的，是尽量追。追不上，唯有期望你会回头望一望，慢下脚步。但，你回头望时，脚步并没慢下，还告诉我说，你走得太远了，回不来，唯有继续往前走。难道，速度是固定的吗？我不懂，也无法了解，你是如何找不到出发点，为何回不来。

爱。这字，太神秘了。定义是什么，举动是如何，言语是如此，我无法体会。我迷路了。乌云密布，深山野林。欲断魂。梦 剩梦，希望成灰，世界一片黑。

Heartstrings

When it pours, I seek a umbrella.
When it snows, I seek shelter.

When it's hot, I seek the shade.
When it's cold, I seek a fire.

When I'm lost, I seek directions.
When I'm confused, I seek guidance.

When I'm upset, I seek comfort.
When I'm troubled, I seek assurance.

You are the umbrella,
Covering me from the pouring rain;
The shelter,
Offering me protection.

You're cool and collected,
When things heat up;
The heat and passion,
In a bone-chilling situation.

The path you point out,
Stands out clearly from all others;
Impeccable timing,
You provide the right words at the right time.

An enveloping embrace,
No words are needed;
Kisses and hugs, along with
Small yet not unimportant words, soothes the beast.

Running and running,
My life's story;
From others I flee,
To you I sprint.

3 small, yet significant words,
I would always utter.
Even when we fight,
Even when we hurt.

I've said it once,
I'll say it again.
I love you,
I always will.

holey

I wonder. Why the hell do I miss you? It's draining, to wake up each morning, with hopes, only to have it dashed. I know, I said I could be satisfied with just hearing from you once a week. And yet, the more I get, the more I want. Whatever attention you give me, I want more. I crave for more. I want your 100% 24/7. Well. Perhaps not 24/7. But you get the idea. And whatever time you can spare me, I want more. I want all your attention on ME.

I sound like a brat, don't I? A selfish brat. But I dont care! I FREAKING WANT YOUR ATTENTION!!! You said... you said many things. And each time you fail to deliver, I die a little on the inside. You... I dont know if you cant see it, or if you just dont want to see it, or if you see it but pretend not to notice it, but that's the truth.

I hurt. I still do. I dont know, if I'm going to carry this hurt, forever. But right now, it's there. Much as I try to ignore it, and I do succeed occasionally, each reminder of you triggers it. I dont know how to plug that hole in my heart, that hole the pain keeps oozing in. I guess, I need you to do that. Even as I'm writing this now, I can feel that pain, that stabbing pain in my heart. As for the tears, let's pretend they dont exist, shall we?

Everyone says, 'Laura, you're a fool.' 'Laura, how is it you're still able to love her after all this?' 'Laura, why do you love her?' 'Laura, she's not for real. Dont waste your time on her, please?' 'Wake up! Face reality!'

And to each of them, I smile and wave them off. I turn around so that nobody sees the pain in my eyes. I plaster a smile to face the whole world, to ward off any nagging or concerned words, and to hide the pain etched deep within. It's so hard, when you're hardly around.

I... cant sleep at nights, unless I wear myself out so bad I'm a walking zombie. I try, to keep myself occupied throughout the day, only to find myself at the computer, with that page open, hoping, just hoping to hear from you. I want nothing more, then to lie within your embrace, and feel you holding me close. And I dont mean virtually, online. I mean, physically.

To the world I might seem strong and steady and not at all needy. But dont you see that's just a front? Of all the people in the world, you're the only one I let fall all my barriers for. To you, and you alone, I let myself go, let myself feel, embrace that emotion I feel in abundance for you. To you, I show my vulnerability, my true colors.

So where are you? What are you up to? Why... Dont I feel assured, secure? I know, one of my many flaws, is that I overdo the thinking, and that I'm paranoid. I realize, it's tiring, to always assure me of your intentions, your affections. But baby, I'm scared. I'm so scared. I dont want to be alone, I'm scared of being alone. I've been alone for most of my life, and I dont like it. And I also realize, I've got a rather low self confidence level. I dont get your attraction to me, and that makes me doubly paranoid. I'm not doubting you, just dont understand what's so awesome about me. I'm just about as average as the other girls.

Baby... I told you before, I need alot of reassurances. And I dont think, my fears will truly be put to rest till the day you're here by my side, and hold me for real. I sound desperate, I know. But... You really are the only one who could help me slay my demons, and your affections is the only elixer that could sustain me. Please baby, reassure me once more. Keep reassuring me. I'm needy... for you. Only you...

madness

Jein   : what do you want for your birthday present?
Laura: hmmm... YOU
Jein   : hahahaha... already taken... sorry dude
Laura: hahahaha... what he doesn't know wont hurt him rite?
Jein   : ROFL... no way
Laura: Hmmm... fine. Den... I want this mall for my birthday
Jein   : *glares* i'm not that rich!
Laura: hahaha... I din say it has to be this year
Jein: *double glare* i wasn't talking about the future... talking about THIS YEAR

________________________________________________________________

XXXXXX says (12:09 PM):
where's my toy
WHERE
LOL
Laura: fucking insomnia says (12:09 PM):
hahahaha
wat kinda toy u want eh?
Laura: fucking insomnia says (12:10 PM):
vibrator?
dildo?
strap on?
LOL

_________________________________________________________________

XXXXXX says (3:19 PM):
she say
if i want to get married
save up
XXXXXX says (3:20 PM):
so i try not to go clubbing too often
lmao
Laura: fucking insomnia says (3:20 PM):
ha
at tat rate
more likely i'ma gonna get married b4 u
LOL
damn
i wanna get married
lol
XXXXXX says (3:20 PM):
idiot
you wont.
i WILL get married
XXXXXX says (3:21 PM):
BEFORE you!
HMPF!


hahaha... have a laugh... a good laugh... cheers!

australian update

ok. so an update is in order, one would say. let's see. alright. from the beginning it is. well, exams finished somewhere in Nov,2009, the exact date escapes me, and then, a week of hurried last minute packing and stuff. then, on the 22nd Nov,2009, we left for Australia.

Ah... the joys of flying. lucky me, there was minimal turbulence that day, and i had a good meal and a good sleep. we touched down at the airport sometime around 8+ at night, and aunt monica was there to pick us up. went back home, chitchatted for a little while, and then we retired for the night. early Dec, we took a road trip to Sydney. breaking journey at one of the towns along the coastal line, that was when I got news of my results. i... PASSED! i freaking PASSED EVERY GODDAMN SUBJECT I TOOK! omg. i could almost swear that my hands were shaking when i read that text message. anyway. enough on that. after about a week in Sydney, we spent a week in Melbourne, then we flew to Tasmania for about a week. after Tasmania, it was a hectic 3 days, where we ran around getting all our last minute shopping done. then... back to Malaysia.

it was rather fun, the vacation in Australia. sorry to my friends for not meeting up with you peeps half as often as I want to.

Senses

5.

I saw.
I saw the clear blue sky, on a summer's day;
A rainbow after the rain.
I see,
Night reigns supreme.

4.

I heard.
I heard the church bells on a Sunday morning, loud and clear;
The softest whisper of a lover.
Right now,
Everything's covered in a golden haze.

3.

I smelt.
I smelt the ocean in the breeze,
The various fragrance donned by the fairer sex.
I discern nothing at present,
And am as useful as a talentless sommelier.

2.

I tasted.
I tasted freshly caught fish on a Japanese boat,
A magnitude of flavors in a home-cooked dish.
I taste, a worldrenowed dish prepared by a master chef,
And of my extensive vocabulary, none save one fits the bill: bland.

1.

I felt.
I felt the sun on my face, the wind in my hair;
The joy of making you smile, hearing you laugh.
I feel,
The emptiness that threatens to swallow everything in sight.

0.

You're like a snowflake, the ambrosia of immortals.
Like the wind you are, yet as human as a thief.
A changed man I am, yet not for the better,
From your absence a void came into existence.
If being without you means nothing is right, then Death shall claim my mortal shell.

Belonging

I reached out a hand, to gently caress your cheek. You stood there, looking at me with those beautiful green eyes of yours, unwavering. I smiled, and your face mirrored mine. We stood there, looking into each others' eyes. Not a sound, not a word. The only movements were the slight heaving of our chests as we breathe and the slow caress of my thumb across your cheek.

We stood there, losing track of the time. You sighed, closed your eyes and leaned into my touch. You opened your eyes and this time, there were tears. You were crying. I saw your pain, hurt, confusion, love and a whole myriad of emotions play in those tear filled orbs of yours.

You brought a hand to my face. I closed my eyes and nuzzle into your palm. You brushed away the tracks the tears left as they streaked down my face. I cried. I opened my eyes and saw them mirrored in yours. Everything I felt, everything I am, was reflected in yours.

Everything moved in a buzz around us, but time stood still for you and me. A heartbeat, a fraction of a second, seemed like eternity. I heard your heartbeat, echoing mine. I smiled, and you smiled back. You know, as did I, this feeling of belonging.

Haven

Do you know what it feels like, knowing that someone that your soul is calling out for?
Do you know what it feels like, floating on air?
Do you know what it feels like, to be able to bare your heart out to someone and still have them accept you?

I do.

Do you know what disappointment tastes like?
Do you know what sorrow tastes like?
Do you know what emptiness tastes like?

I do.

Have you ever lay in bed at night, and just stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep?
Have you ever felt a part of you dying, bit by bit?
Have you ever tasted the pain after having your hopes dashed?

I have.

Have you ever experience an emotional roller coaster ride?
Have you ever felt that you've been taken granted for despite assurances that you're important?
Have you ever tried to concentrate on the work at hand, only to have your thoughts fly the exact opposite direction?

I have.

Should I let you know how I feel?
Should I let go of my insecurities?
Should I let you into my heart of hearts?

I should.

Should I give you a taste of your own medicine?
Should I turn the tables on you?
Should I learn not to expect anything?

I should.

There are many things I ought to do, should do.
Just like there are many things I know, I've experienced.

I'm not as strong as you think I am,
Not as capable as you perceive me to be,
Not as magnificent as you portray me to be.

Hopelessly caught in this tidal wave,
I can only pray:
I find a safe haven,
A place to call home.

Lost

It was pitch dark. She tentatively stretched out her hands, hoping to find something, feel something but to no avail. She couldn't even see her outstretched fingers. Picking herself up, she closed her eyes and tried to force herself to stay calm. Taking deep breaths, telling herself everything was alright, she couldn't help but feel the faint tendrils of panic threatening to flood her mind and senses.

Silence. It was pressing down on her. The sound of her heart sounded like thunder to her ears. It did not help that her heart beat was getting faster and more erratic. Panic. That was all she could think of, despite her best efforts not to. Moments of trying to fight the surge of fear and helplessness, it proved too great for her to overcome. Her eyes were wild when they flew open, and she just started running. Running from the silence, from the darkness all around her.

Run. Run. Run. That was all she could hear in her mind. It resonant with her heartbeat, and run she did. How long was she running, she had not the slightest clue. Run. Run. Run. It was almost hypnotic. North. South. East. West. She did not know. No matter how far she ran, no matter which direction she ran, it was the same darkness, the same silence that surrounded her.

She stumbled. Falling into a heap on the floor, she started crying. She tried to push herself up, only to fall once more. Her legs were complaining about the abuse she put them through, and her heart was racing. She just cried. Sitting there, crying, all she was aware of was how alone she was. That made her sob even harder.

Voices. Soon, softly at first, strains of sounds came to her ears. She looked up, sniffing, but saw nothing. Voices, though, she heard. They gradually got louder.

She doesn't need you. You mean nothing to her. She's fine without you. She can live her life just fine without you. What could you give her anyway? Always throwing fits and tantrums just to gain her attention. She doesn't want to give you any attention, because you're nothing. You're not worth any of her time. Why should she care about you? She could have anyone she wants. She's only toying with your emotions, laughing at you from the shadows. Why should she want someone as pathetic as you, if not just to amuse herself?

The voices she heard, the words they were saying, hurt. She shouted: SHE LOVES ME. I'M THE ONLY ONE SHE WANTS. SHE LOVES ME NO MATTER WHAT. The voices just laughed at her.

She doesn't love you. She just says she does, but you know very well she doesn't. She never kept any of her promises to you. All those talk about her coming to visit you, that you're family, that you're the only one for her. You know it's just a lie. Her love for you is a lie.

NO! She... She loves me. She fought for me. She introduced her family to me. She called me her wife. She addresses me as mommie to the kid, our kid.

Sure she did. And he's how old? He doesn't know any better. And she called you her wife? Funny, you're not even wearing a ring. What about your marriage certificate? How do you know it's your name on the child adoption papers? IF there really is one.

STOP. Just stop! She stood up in defiance and started running again. Running from the hateful voices. She kept running, just like the tears kept chasing each other down her cheek. She could still hear the voices. They did not dim, but rather magnify in volume. Echoing in the darkness about how pathetic she was.

She just ran.

Dreams

Dreams. They go back a long way, don't they? Some people say, dreams are just a figment of imagination, some say, it's your subconscious trying to tell you something, and some even say dreams are premonitions. Some use scientific jargon to explain dreams, talking about sleeping stages and brain waves; some use religion to make sense of dreams and what they mean, what they represent.

For me, I figure, dreams are a manifestation of the subconscious. I believe, many things happen during our waking hours, and we may, consciously or subconsciously be aware of things. The mind does curious things at times. Certain issues, certain thoughts, certain emotions are repressed, knowingly or unknowingly, and I believe, dreams are essentially a state of mind where you lose any self control or inhibitions.

So. Assuming that my description of dreams is acceptable, recurring dreams have a certain kind of meaning behind it, doesn't it? A friend of mine was talking to me earlier on, telling me about a certain recurring dream. Unsurprisingly, it brought back memories. Memories I thought I had long buried away.

What was this dream about? Well, her fiancee dreamt that she was sleeping around with other women, and she's convinced that my friend doesn't want to be with her anymore. Why did I say it brought back memories? I'll let you in on something. Tasha went through that stage before. The whole you're-sleeping-with-another-woman-don't-you-want-me stage. Yeah. Messed up as it is, they both dreamt about something very similar. To make things even more interesting, this friend of mine? Her fiancee? They're both Tasha's best friends. Ironic? Perhaps.

I figure, this has something to do with insecurities. Whether they were aware of it, or not, they're afraid. Either afraid that we would leave them, or they're not good enough for us. Whichever it is, it's not good, is it? If dreams are indeed a manifestation of the subconscious, then why is it not everyone dreams?

A correction of the assumption would therefore seem appropriate. The strongest underlying issue or emotion would therefore be portrayed through dreams. Recurence would therefore signify the strength of the matter at hand.

BAH! Science be damned! Philosophy be damned! Nightmares ain't fun, worse when you're not the one having nightmares but have to pay the price. How are you supposed to convince someone, that they are the one you want, when their doubt is so strong, that it comes out as a nightmare? It's not an issue that occured overnight, but more like, an accumulation of it. Kind of like, a volcano, the pressure builds up till it erupts, only in this case, it comes in the form of a nightmare.

God! Why would they even think that we would leave them? Ok. So part of insecurities is irrational. But dear god, we love them both enough to want to marry them, doesn't that say something about how committed we are to them? I'm not free from insecurities either, so I guess I can't judge them. But. Gah. This is frustrating.

=(






i had a nightmare too.