holey

I wonder. Why the hell do I miss you? It's draining, to wake up each morning, with hopes, only to have it dashed. I know, I said I could be satisfied with just hearing from you once a week. And yet, the more I get, the more I want. Whatever attention you give me, I want more. I crave for more. I want your 100% 24/7. Well. Perhaps not 24/7. But you get the idea. And whatever time you can spare me, I want more. I want all your attention on ME.

I sound like a brat, don't I? A selfish brat. But I dont care! I FREAKING WANT YOUR ATTENTION!!! You said... you said many things. And each time you fail to deliver, I die a little on the inside. You... I dont know if you cant see it, or if you just dont want to see it, or if you see it but pretend not to notice it, but that's the truth.

I hurt. I still do. I dont know, if I'm going to carry this hurt, forever. But right now, it's there. Much as I try to ignore it, and I do succeed occasionally, each reminder of you triggers it. I dont know how to plug that hole in my heart, that hole the pain keeps oozing in. I guess, I need you to do that. Even as I'm writing this now, I can feel that pain, that stabbing pain in my heart. As for the tears, let's pretend they dont exist, shall we?

Everyone says, 'Laura, you're a fool.' 'Laura, how is it you're still able to love her after all this?' 'Laura, why do you love her?' 'Laura, she's not for real. Dont waste your time on her, please?' 'Wake up! Face reality!'

And to each of them, I smile and wave them off. I turn around so that nobody sees the pain in my eyes. I plaster a smile to face the whole world, to ward off any nagging or concerned words, and to hide the pain etched deep within. It's so hard, when you're hardly around.

I... cant sleep at nights, unless I wear myself out so bad I'm a walking zombie. I try, to keep myself occupied throughout the day, only to find myself at the computer, with that page open, hoping, just hoping to hear from you. I want nothing more, then to lie within your embrace, and feel you holding me close. And I dont mean virtually, online. I mean, physically.

To the world I might seem strong and steady and not at all needy. But dont you see that's just a front? Of all the people in the world, you're the only one I let fall all my barriers for. To you, and you alone, I let myself go, let myself feel, embrace that emotion I feel in abundance for you. To you, I show my vulnerability, my true colors.

So where are you? What are you up to? Why... Dont I feel assured, secure? I know, one of my many flaws, is that I overdo the thinking, and that I'm paranoid. I realize, it's tiring, to always assure me of your intentions, your affections. But baby, I'm scared. I'm so scared. I dont want to be alone, I'm scared of being alone. I've been alone for most of my life, and I dont like it. And I also realize, I've got a rather low self confidence level. I dont get your attraction to me, and that makes me doubly paranoid. I'm not doubting you, just dont understand what's so awesome about me. I'm just about as average as the other girls.

Baby... I told you before, I need alot of reassurances. And I dont think, my fears will truly be put to rest till the day you're here by my side, and hold me for real. I sound desperate, I know. But... You really are the only one who could help me slay my demons, and your affections is the only elixer that could sustain me. Please baby, reassure me once more. Keep reassuring me. I'm needy... for you. Only you...

madness

Jein   : what do you want for your birthday present?
Laura: hmmm... YOU
Jein   : hahahaha... already taken... sorry dude
Laura: hahahaha... what he doesn't know wont hurt him rite?
Jein   : ROFL... no way
Laura: Hmmm... fine. Den... I want this mall for my birthday
Jein   : *glares* i'm not that rich!
Laura: hahaha... I din say it has to be this year
Jein: *double glare* i wasn't talking about the future... talking about THIS YEAR

________________________________________________________________

XXXXXX says (12:09 PM):
where's my toy
WHERE
LOL
Laura: fucking insomnia says (12:09 PM):
hahahaha
wat kinda toy u want eh?
Laura: fucking insomnia says (12:10 PM):
vibrator?
dildo?
strap on?
LOL

_________________________________________________________________

XXXXXX says (3:19 PM):
she say
if i want to get married
save up
XXXXXX says (3:20 PM):
so i try not to go clubbing too often
lmao
Laura: fucking insomnia says (3:20 PM):
ha
at tat rate
more likely i'ma gonna get married b4 u
LOL
damn
i wanna get married
lol
XXXXXX says (3:20 PM):
idiot
you wont.
i WILL get married
XXXXXX says (3:21 PM):
BEFORE you!
HMPF!


hahaha... have a laugh... a good laugh... cheers!

australian update

ok. so an update is in order, one would say. let's see. alright. from the beginning it is. well, exams finished somewhere in Nov,2009, the exact date escapes me, and then, a week of hurried last minute packing and stuff. then, on the 22nd Nov,2009, we left for Australia.

Ah... the joys of flying. lucky me, there was minimal turbulence that day, and i had a good meal and a good sleep. we touched down at the airport sometime around 8+ at night, and aunt monica was there to pick us up. went back home, chitchatted for a little while, and then we retired for the night. early Dec, we took a road trip to Sydney. breaking journey at one of the towns along the coastal line, that was when I got news of my results. i... PASSED! i freaking PASSED EVERY GODDAMN SUBJECT I TOOK! omg. i could almost swear that my hands were shaking when i read that text message. anyway. enough on that. after about a week in Sydney, we spent a week in Melbourne, then we flew to Tasmania for about a week. after Tasmania, it was a hectic 3 days, where we ran around getting all our last minute shopping done. then... back to Malaysia.

it was rather fun, the vacation in Australia. sorry to my friends for not meeting up with you peeps half as often as I want to.