5.
I saw.
I saw the clear blue sky, on a summer's day;
A rainbow after the rain.
I see,
Night reigns supreme.
4.
I heard.
I heard the church bells on a Sunday morning, loud and clear;
The softest whisper of a lover.
Right now,
Everything's covered in a golden haze.
3.
I smelt.
I smelt the ocean in the breeze,
The various fragrance donned by the fairer sex.
I discern nothing at present,
And am as useful as a talentless sommelier.
2.
I tasted.
I tasted freshly caught fish on a Japanese boat,
A magnitude of flavors in a home-cooked dish.
I taste, a worldrenowed dish prepared by a master chef,
And of my extensive vocabulary, none save one fits the bill: bland.
1.
I felt.
I felt the sun on my face, the wind in my hair;
The joy of making you smile, hearing you laugh.
I feel,
The emptiness that threatens to swallow everything in sight.
0.
You're like a snowflake, the ambrosia of immortals.
Like the wind you are, yet as human as a thief.
A changed man I am, yet not for the better,
From your absence a void came into existence.
If being without you means nothing is right, then Death shall claim my mortal shell.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Belonging
I reached out a hand, to gently caress your cheek. You stood there, looking at me with those beautiful green eyes of yours, unwavering. I smiled, and your face mirrored mine. We stood there, looking into each others' eyes. Not a sound, not a word. The only movements were the slight heaving of our chests as we breathe and the slow caress of my thumb across your cheek.
We stood there, losing track of the time. You sighed, closed your eyes and leaned into my touch. You opened your eyes and this time, there were tears. You were crying. I saw your pain, hurt, confusion, love and a whole myriad of emotions play in those tear filled orbs of yours.
You brought a hand to my face. I closed my eyes and nuzzle into your palm. You brushed away the tracks the tears left as they streaked down my face. I cried. I opened my eyes and saw them mirrored in yours. Everything I felt, everything I am, was reflected in yours.
Everything moved in a buzz around us, but time stood still for you and me. A heartbeat, a fraction of a second, seemed like eternity. I heard your heartbeat, echoing mine. I smiled, and you smiled back. You know, as did I, this feeling of belonging.
We stood there, losing track of the time. You sighed, closed your eyes and leaned into my touch. You opened your eyes and this time, there were tears. You were crying. I saw your pain, hurt, confusion, love and a whole myriad of emotions play in those tear filled orbs of yours.
You brought a hand to my face. I closed my eyes and nuzzle into your palm. You brushed away the tracks the tears left as they streaked down my face. I cried. I opened my eyes and saw them mirrored in yours. Everything I felt, everything I am, was reflected in yours.
Everything moved in a buzz around us, but time stood still for you and me. A heartbeat, a fraction of a second, seemed like eternity. I heard your heartbeat, echoing mine. I smiled, and you smiled back. You know, as did I, this feeling of belonging.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Haven
Do you know what it feels like, knowing that someone that your soul is calling out for?
Do you know what it feels like, floating on air?
Do you know what it feels like, to be able to bare your heart out to someone and still have them accept you?
I do.
Do you know what disappointment tastes like?
Do you know what sorrow tastes like?
Do you know what emptiness tastes like?
I do.
Have you ever lay in bed at night, and just stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep?
Have you ever felt a part of you dying, bit by bit?
Have you ever tasted the pain after having your hopes dashed?
I have.
Have you ever experience an emotional roller coaster ride?
Have you ever felt that you've been taken granted for despite assurances that you're important?
Have you ever tried to concentrate on the work at hand, only to have your thoughts fly the exact opposite direction?
I have.
Should I let you know how I feel?
Should I let go of my insecurities?
Should I let you into my heart of hearts?
I should.
Should I give you a taste of your own medicine?
Should I turn the tables on you?
Should I learn not to expect anything?
I should.
There are many things I ought to do, should do.
Just like there are many things I know, I've experienced.
I'm not as strong as you think I am,
Not as capable as you perceive me to be,
Not as magnificent as you portray me to be.
Hopelessly caught in this tidal wave,
I can only pray:
I find a safe haven,
A place to call home.
Do you know what it feels like, floating on air?
Do you know what it feels like, to be able to bare your heart out to someone and still have them accept you?
I do.
Do you know what disappointment tastes like?
Do you know what sorrow tastes like?
Do you know what emptiness tastes like?
I do.
Have you ever lay in bed at night, and just stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep?
Have you ever felt a part of you dying, bit by bit?
Have you ever tasted the pain after having your hopes dashed?
I have.
Have you ever experience an emotional roller coaster ride?
Have you ever felt that you've been taken granted for despite assurances that you're important?
Have you ever tried to concentrate on the work at hand, only to have your thoughts fly the exact opposite direction?
I have.
Should I let you know how I feel?
Should I let go of my insecurities?
Should I let you into my heart of hearts?
I should.
Should I give you a taste of your own medicine?
Should I turn the tables on you?
Should I learn not to expect anything?
I should.
There are many things I ought to do, should do.
Just like there are many things I know, I've experienced.
I'm not as strong as you think I am,
Not as capable as you perceive me to be,
Not as magnificent as you portray me to be.
Hopelessly caught in this tidal wave,
I can only pray:
I find a safe haven,
A place to call home.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Lost
It was pitch dark. She tentatively stretched out her hands, hoping to find something, feel something but to no avail. She couldn't even see her outstretched fingers. Picking herself up, she closed her eyes and tried to force herself to stay calm. Taking deep breaths, telling herself everything was alright, she couldn't help but feel the faint tendrils of panic threatening to flood her mind and senses.
Silence. It was pressing down on her. The sound of her heart sounded like thunder to her ears. It did not help that her heart beat was getting faster and more erratic. Panic. That was all she could think of, despite her best efforts not to. Moments of trying to fight the surge of fear and helplessness, it proved too great for her to overcome. Her eyes were wild when they flew open, and she just started running. Running from the silence, from the darkness all around her.
Run. Run. Run. That was all she could hear in her mind. It resonant with her heartbeat, and run she did. How long was she running, she had not the slightest clue. Run. Run. Run. It was almost hypnotic. North. South. East. West. She did not know. No matter how far she ran, no matter which direction she ran, it was the same darkness, the same silence that surrounded her.
She stumbled. Falling into a heap on the floor, she started crying. She tried to push herself up, only to fall once more. Her legs were complaining about the abuse she put them through, and her heart was racing. She just cried. Sitting there, crying, all she was aware of was how alone she was. That made her sob even harder.
Voices. Soon, softly at first, strains of sounds came to her ears. She looked up, sniffing, but saw nothing. Voices, though, she heard. They gradually got louder.
She doesn't need you. You mean nothing to her. She's fine without you. She can live her life just fine without you. What could you give her anyway? Always throwing fits and tantrums just to gain her attention. She doesn't want to give you any attention, because you're nothing. You're not worth any of her time. Why should she care about you? She could have anyone she wants. She's only toying with your emotions, laughing at you from the shadows. Why should she want someone as pathetic as you, if not just to amuse herself?
The voices she heard, the words they were saying, hurt. She shouted: SHE LOVES ME. I'M THE ONLY ONE SHE WANTS. SHE LOVES ME NO MATTER WHAT. The voices just laughed at her.
She doesn't love you. She just says she does, but you know very well she doesn't. She never kept any of her promises to you. All those talk about her coming to visit you, that you're family, that you're the only one for her. You know it's just a lie. Her love for you is a lie.
NO! She... She loves me. She fought for me. She introduced her family to me. She called me her wife. She addresses me as mommie to the kid, our kid.
Sure she did. And he's how old? He doesn't know any better. And she called you her wife? Funny, you're not even wearing a ring. What about your marriage certificate? How do you know it's your name on the child adoption papers? IF there really is one.
STOP. Just stop! She stood up in defiance and started running again. Running from the hateful voices. She kept running, just like the tears kept chasing each other down her cheek. She could still hear the voices. They did not dim, but rather magnify in volume. Echoing in the darkness about how pathetic she was.
She just ran.
Silence. It was pressing down on her. The sound of her heart sounded like thunder to her ears. It did not help that her heart beat was getting faster and more erratic. Panic. That was all she could think of, despite her best efforts not to. Moments of trying to fight the surge of fear and helplessness, it proved too great for her to overcome. Her eyes were wild when they flew open, and she just started running. Running from the silence, from the darkness all around her.
Run. Run. Run. That was all she could hear in her mind. It resonant with her heartbeat, and run she did. How long was she running, she had not the slightest clue. Run. Run. Run. It was almost hypnotic. North. South. East. West. She did not know. No matter how far she ran, no matter which direction she ran, it was the same darkness, the same silence that surrounded her.
She stumbled. Falling into a heap on the floor, she started crying. She tried to push herself up, only to fall once more. Her legs were complaining about the abuse she put them through, and her heart was racing. She just cried. Sitting there, crying, all she was aware of was how alone she was. That made her sob even harder.
Voices. Soon, softly at first, strains of sounds came to her ears. She looked up, sniffing, but saw nothing. Voices, though, she heard. They gradually got louder.
She doesn't need you. You mean nothing to her. She's fine without you. She can live her life just fine without you. What could you give her anyway? Always throwing fits and tantrums just to gain her attention. She doesn't want to give you any attention, because you're nothing. You're not worth any of her time. Why should she care about you? She could have anyone she wants. She's only toying with your emotions, laughing at you from the shadows. Why should she want someone as pathetic as you, if not just to amuse herself?
The voices she heard, the words they were saying, hurt. She shouted: SHE LOVES ME. I'M THE ONLY ONE SHE WANTS. SHE LOVES ME NO MATTER WHAT. The voices just laughed at her.
She doesn't love you. She just says she does, but you know very well she doesn't. She never kept any of her promises to you. All those talk about her coming to visit you, that you're family, that you're the only one for her. You know it's just a lie. Her love for you is a lie.
NO! She... She loves me. She fought for me. She introduced her family to me. She called me her wife. She addresses me as mommie to the kid, our kid.
Sure she did. And he's how old? He doesn't know any better. And she called you her wife? Funny, you're not even wearing a ring. What about your marriage certificate? How do you know it's your name on the child adoption papers? IF there really is one.
STOP. Just stop! She stood up in defiance and started running again. Running from the hateful voices. She kept running, just like the tears kept chasing each other down her cheek. She could still hear the voices. They did not dim, but rather magnify in volume. Echoing in the darkness about how pathetic she was.
She just ran.
Dreams
Dreams. They go back a long way, don't they? Some people say, dreams are just a figment of imagination, some say, it's your subconscious trying to tell you something, and some even say dreams are premonitions. Some use scientific jargon to explain dreams, talking about sleeping stages and brain waves; some use religion to make sense of dreams and what they mean, what they represent.
For me, I figure, dreams are a manifestation of the subconscious. I believe, many things happen during our waking hours, and we may, consciously or subconsciously be aware of things. The mind does curious things at times. Certain issues, certain thoughts, certain emotions are repressed, knowingly or unknowingly, and I believe, dreams are essentially a state of mind where you lose any self control or inhibitions.
So. Assuming that my description of dreams is acceptable, recurring dreams have a certain kind of meaning behind it, doesn't it? A friend of mine was talking to me earlier on, telling me about a certain recurring dream. Unsurprisingly, it brought back memories. Memories I thought I had long buried away.
What was this dream about? Well, her fiancee dreamt that she was sleeping around with other women, and she's convinced that my friend doesn't want to be with her anymore. Why did I say it brought back memories? I'll let you in on something. Tasha went through that stage before. The whole you're-sleeping-with-another-woman-don't-you-want-me stage. Yeah. Messed up as it is, they both dreamt about something very similar. To make things even more interesting, this friend of mine? Her fiancee? They're both Tasha's best friends. Ironic? Perhaps.
I figure, this has something to do with insecurities. Whether they were aware of it, or not, they're afraid. Either afraid that we would leave them, or they're not good enough for us. Whichever it is, it's not good, is it? If dreams are indeed a manifestation of the subconscious, then why is it not everyone dreams?
A correction of the assumption would therefore seem appropriate. The strongest underlying issue or emotion would therefore be portrayed through dreams. Recurence would therefore signify the strength of the matter at hand.
BAH! Science be damned! Philosophy be damned! Nightmares ain't fun, worse when you're not the one having nightmares but have to pay the price. How are you supposed to convince someone, that they are the one you want, when their doubt is so strong, that it comes out as a nightmare? It's not an issue that occured overnight, but more like, an accumulation of it. Kind of like, a volcano, the pressure builds up till it erupts, only in this case, it comes in the form of a nightmare.
God! Why would they even think that we would leave them? Ok. So part of insecurities is irrational. But dear god, we love them both enough to want to marry them, doesn't that say something about how committed we are to them? I'm not free from insecurities either, so I guess I can't judge them. But. Gah. This is frustrating.
=(
i had a nightmare too.
For me, I figure, dreams are a manifestation of the subconscious. I believe, many things happen during our waking hours, and we may, consciously or subconsciously be aware of things. The mind does curious things at times. Certain issues, certain thoughts, certain emotions are repressed, knowingly or unknowingly, and I believe, dreams are essentially a state of mind where you lose any self control or inhibitions.
So. Assuming that my description of dreams is acceptable, recurring dreams have a certain kind of meaning behind it, doesn't it? A friend of mine was talking to me earlier on, telling me about a certain recurring dream. Unsurprisingly, it brought back memories. Memories I thought I had long buried away.
What was this dream about? Well, her fiancee dreamt that she was sleeping around with other women, and she's convinced that my friend doesn't want to be with her anymore. Why did I say it brought back memories? I'll let you in on something. Tasha went through that stage before. The whole you're-sleeping-with-another-woman-don't-you-want-me stage. Yeah. Messed up as it is, they both dreamt about something very similar. To make things even more interesting, this friend of mine? Her fiancee? They're both Tasha's best friends. Ironic? Perhaps.
I figure, this has something to do with insecurities. Whether they were aware of it, or not, they're afraid. Either afraid that we would leave them, or they're not good enough for us. Whichever it is, it's not good, is it? If dreams are indeed a manifestation of the subconscious, then why is it not everyone dreams?
A correction of the assumption would therefore seem appropriate. The strongest underlying issue or emotion would therefore be portrayed through dreams. Recurence would therefore signify the strength of the matter at hand.
BAH! Science be damned! Philosophy be damned! Nightmares ain't fun, worse when you're not the one having nightmares but have to pay the price. How are you supposed to convince someone, that they are the one you want, when their doubt is so strong, that it comes out as a nightmare? It's not an issue that occured overnight, but more like, an accumulation of it. Kind of like, a volcano, the pressure builds up till it erupts, only in this case, it comes in the form of a nightmare.
God! Why would they even think that we would leave them? Ok. So part of insecurities is irrational. But dear god, we love them both enough to want to marry them, doesn't that say something about how committed we are to them? I'm not free from insecurities either, so I guess I can't judge them. But. Gah. This is frustrating.
=(
i had a nightmare too.
Friday, October 23, 2009
confidence much?
Love. A four letter word. Unexplainable by literature or science or theories. A feeling, hard to grasp, hard to comprehend, hard to obtain. How do people feel, when they say they love you? What does it signify? What is it supposed to mean? How are you supposed to feel? What is the difference between loving someone, and falling in love with someone?
How do you know, that you love someone, and that you want to spend your life loving them? When they tell you, you mean everything to them, and that they love you with all their heart, how do you know if they mean it? Love with all their heart, is that possible?
My theory is that, when you're in love with someone, there is a spark. Which leads to the question, what is this 'spark'? How do you recognize this 'spark'? How are you supposed to feel, loving someone as compared to being in love with someone? Someone once told me, it's possible to be in a relationship with someone, loving them but not being in love with them.
So how do you know that he/she is the one for you? How are you supposed to feel whether that person is going to be your lifelong partner? How can you be sure? What if, you believe you're in love, yet, it is not meant to be? Does this mean you were wrong about that 'sparks'? Is it possible to fall out of love with someone, as in, no longer in love with them, yet still love them?
How do you know if you've fallen out of love? Does it happen when you find yourself attracted to someone other than your partner? How do you know it is love, not lust? How sure can you be, that you'll love that someone forever? How far can you on love alone?
Why do people get attracted to someone? Is it that 'spark' again? What exactly is that 'spark' thing? I don't understand. I love Tasha, and yes, I believe I'm in love with her. But I still don't understand. Why does she love me? She, who is gorgeous and amazing, could have her pick of just about anyone out there. I don't feel like I'm worth of her love. I don't understand, what I've got that others don't. What is it about me, that makes her stay? What is it about me, that made her choose me in the beginning?
She even wants to have, to start a family with me. It's like a dream come true. How do I know it's not just a dream? I... don't understand, why is she in love with me.
I meant it then, and I still mean it now. I'm not great or awesome or spectacular. I'm just... me. Someone... normal? An average being. She's more than just average, and she deserves better, at least, someone better than me. So. Why me? Why, does she even want me as her girlfriend? Why does she want to marry me?
I don't understand. Not the slightest, not at all. I can't give her anything. All I have to give, is just my heart, and that is not worth much. She excels in pretty much everything she does. She's extraordinary. I'm nothing more than average in everything. I'm not stunningly hot, nor do I have a flawless, fit body; not a top student, neither do I excel in extracuricular activitie; not overly sporty or adventurous, not particularly good with arts, languages the whole thing.
In all honesty, I feel like a jack of all trades, master of none. So, why me? I'm far from sweet, far from romantic, far from charming. So, why does she want me? Why does she want to start a new life here, with me? Why?
I don't understand. I just don't. I wish, I could walk in her shoes just for one day, just be her for one day, then perhaps I could come close to unraveling this enigma. I want to know why she decided to spend her life with me. I want, I need to know why she loves me, why she fell in love with me. I wish I knew.
She couldn't possibly love someone like me. She's like an angel, and I... don't think I deserve her love. I'm scared, to taint her life. I care. I'm scared, she won't lead an easy, happy life, a fulfilled life if she's with me, the kind of life she deserves. I'm scared, I won't be able to give her all that and more.
So dear God. Tell me why. Why does that angel love me, someone who probably doesn't deserve the pure love she radiates?
How do you know, that you love someone, and that you want to spend your life loving them? When they tell you, you mean everything to them, and that they love you with all their heart, how do you know if they mean it? Love with all their heart, is that possible?
My theory is that, when you're in love with someone, there is a spark. Which leads to the question, what is this 'spark'? How do you recognize this 'spark'? How are you supposed to feel, loving someone as compared to being in love with someone? Someone once told me, it's possible to be in a relationship with someone, loving them but not being in love with them.
So how do you know that he/she is the one for you? How are you supposed to feel whether that person is going to be your lifelong partner? How can you be sure? What if, you believe you're in love, yet, it is not meant to be? Does this mean you were wrong about that 'sparks'? Is it possible to fall out of love with someone, as in, no longer in love with them, yet still love them?
How do you know if you've fallen out of love? Does it happen when you find yourself attracted to someone other than your partner? How do you know it is love, not lust? How sure can you be, that you'll love that someone forever? How far can you on love alone?
Why do people get attracted to someone? Is it that 'spark' again? What exactly is that 'spark' thing? I don't understand. I love Tasha, and yes, I believe I'm in love with her. But I still don't understand. Why does she love me? She, who is gorgeous and amazing, could have her pick of just about anyone out there. I don't feel like I'm worth of her love. I don't understand, what I've got that others don't. What is it about me, that makes her stay? What is it about me, that made her choose me in the beginning?
She even wants to have, to start a family with me. It's like a dream come true. How do I know it's not just a dream? I... don't understand, why is she in love with me.
I meant it then, and I still mean it now. I'm not great or awesome or spectacular. I'm just... me. Someone... normal? An average being. She's more than just average, and she deserves better, at least, someone better than me. So. Why me? Why, does she even want me as her girlfriend? Why does she want to marry me?
I don't understand. Not the slightest, not at all. I can't give her anything. All I have to give, is just my heart, and that is not worth much. She excels in pretty much everything she does. She's extraordinary. I'm nothing more than average in everything. I'm not stunningly hot, nor do I have a flawless, fit body; not a top student, neither do I excel in extracuricular activitie; not overly sporty or adventurous, not particularly good with arts, languages the whole thing.
In all honesty, I feel like a jack of all trades, master of none. So, why me? I'm far from sweet, far from romantic, far from charming. So, why does she want me? Why does she want to start a new life here, with me? Why?
I don't understand. I just don't. I wish, I could walk in her shoes just for one day, just be her for one day, then perhaps I could come close to unraveling this enigma. I want to know why she decided to spend her life with me. I want, I need to know why she loves me, why she fell in love with me. I wish I knew.
She couldn't possibly love someone like me. She's like an angel, and I... don't think I deserve her love. I'm scared, to taint her life. I care. I'm scared, she won't lead an easy, happy life, a fulfilled life if she's with me, the kind of life she deserves. I'm scared, I won't be able to give her all that and more.
So dear God. Tell me why. Why does that angel love me, someone who probably doesn't deserve the pure love she radiates?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
It's never easy, being apart from you. It's also not easy, having to deal with me. I realize, I can be rather demanding. Part of it, if not all, lies in my numerous emotional issues/baggage.
I'm scared of being alone, and I'm scared of losing someone to depend on. I don't wanna wake up from this awesome dream, that is you. You drive away the voices in my head, you chase away the insecurities, you dispel the darkness looming in the horizon.
I miss you.
I'm scared of being alone, and I'm scared of losing someone to depend on. I don't wanna wake up from this awesome dream, that is you. You drive away the voices in my head, you chase away the insecurities, you dispel the darkness looming in the horizon.
I miss you.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
:'(
YOU!
BAH!
You are like a drug. I can't help getting addicted to you. Without you it just doesn't seem right. It feels as if there's something lacking in my life. The 1st few days I go from happy to moody to just plain distressed. Then the next few days, till I actually get to talk to you, or hear from you, I just... exist.
Not happy, not sad. I just am. BAH! I HATE it when you're busy and I'm busy and love songs are in the air again. Hate it hate it hate it.
I KNOW you're busy, like really really busy, and I really don't wanna BE a brat but I can't really help feeling the way I feel right now. I'm selfish, I know. I just... *whines* I just miss you.
I realize there's no way in hell you're gonna read this, but I just needed to get that off my chest. I just... miss you. So much.
BAH!
You are like a drug. I can't help getting addicted to you. Without you it just doesn't seem right. It feels as if there's something lacking in my life. The 1st few days I go from happy to moody to just plain distressed. Then the next few days, till I actually get to talk to you, or hear from you, I just... exist.
Not happy, not sad. I just am. BAH! I HATE it when you're busy and I'm busy and love songs are in the air again. Hate it hate it hate it.
I KNOW you're busy, like really really busy, and I really don't wanna BE a brat but I can't really help feeling the way I feel right now. I'm selfish, I know. I just... *whines* I just miss you.
I realize there's no way in hell you're gonna read this, but I just needed to get that off my chest. I just... miss you. So much.
Friday, August 21, 2009
TETIM
Pt 3
So I'm supposed to be talking about why. Why I've grown to love her, to believe in her, to need her like I do.
I've always believed that, looks can be deceiving. Anything can be portrayed as if real, and anything can be hidden, if you know how. Everyone has secrets, some more then others. I was always alone. As an only kid, and being of the more introverted kind, I never really had many close friends, or much of a childhood. I would stick by mom's side more often than not. I suppose, it's also because of this, I grew up a tad faster then some of my peers. You see, mom is physically handicapped. She has difficulty going up and down the stairs, she can't run, her reflexes are slower then norm, and her hand grip is weak.
Being an only kid, and always at mom's side, I naturally became someone she depended a lot on, not just physical support. The circumstances that surround my birth and my childhood is not something I am ready to share with just anyone. If I have to be honest, there is less then 5 people in the entire world that know what those circumstances are. To be really truthful here, these circumstances have a huge bearing on my attitude, personality, and way of thought.
I guess you could say that I developed a more cynical outlook from a young age. I learned to weave webs fine enough to ensnare, to confuse and distract; I've also learned to be like the elves. Kids are most easily influenced in their youth. This is so true. I look at myself now, and realize just how affected I was, I still am.
Why do I love her that much? Why do I need her? I suppose, I categorized my life, as before Tash and after Tash. After everything that I've been through, not as much as some, yet definitely more than some, loving her was just so... easy. Remember I mentioned that she used to shower me with attention? I totally loved being in the centre of her attention. We started off by talking for a couple of minutes each time over the phone, till just before her LA trip, when, and I can still remember till this day, we talked for about 45 minutes over the phone. I still remember, mom had a tuition class that night, and I was eating dinner in the room: fish, rice and vege.
When she's with me, talking to me, giving me the attention I desire, I feel like I can fly. I don't feel any burden on my shoulders, so light, that I just float on air. It's like, an angel came down to earth, and carried me in their arms, up in the sky. It's like her presence drove away whatever darkness there is in my soul. I feel so alive. Such a cliche, saying that she's the light in my life. But I can't help being corny and using all those cliches. I naturally and instinctively hide my true nature, being afraid of getting hurt. With Tash, I just want to tell her everything. I don't want to hide anything, or evade anything. I want to be able to look into her eyes and tell her the truth that she deserves.
I'm not saying that, I lie all the time. I just perhaps tell part of the truth, or what I feel can be told. Value judgment, my lecturer will be so proud of me that I remember this term. Anyway. I've grown to love her, because loving her is not only the simplest thing I ever did, but also because it feels so right, loving her. I need her, because having tasted what life could possibly without her, I'm loath to go back to that life. I want the sun shining down, not the clouds in the sky.
I love her, because I can, because I want to, because it feels right. Stubborn. I know I am. But I believe you have to stand up for what you believe is true and what you hold dear, and she is something, someone I treasure with my whole heart.
So I'm supposed to be talking about why. Why I've grown to love her, to believe in her, to need her like I do.
I've always believed that, looks can be deceiving. Anything can be portrayed as if real, and anything can be hidden, if you know how. Everyone has secrets, some more then others. I was always alone. As an only kid, and being of the more introverted kind, I never really had many close friends, or much of a childhood. I would stick by mom's side more often than not. I suppose, it's also because of this, I grew up a tad faster then some of my peers. You see, mom is physically handicapped. She has difficulty going up and down the stairs, she can't run, her reflexes are slower then norm, and her hand grip is weak.
Being an only kid, and always at mom's side, I naturally became someone she depended a lot on, not just physical support. The circumstances that surround my birth and my childhood is not something I am ready to share with just anyone. If I have to be honest, there is less then 5 people in the entire world that know what those circumstances are. To be really truthful here, these circumstances have a huge bearing on my attitude, personality, and way of thought.
I guess you could say that I developed a more cynical outlook from a young age. I learned to weave webs fine enough to ensnare, to confuse and distract; I've also learned to be like the elves. Kids are most easily influenced in their youth. This is so true. I look at myself now, and realize just how affected I was, I still am.
Why do I love her that much? Why do I need her? I suppose, I categorized my life, as before Tash and after Tash. After everything that I've been through, not as much as some, yet definitely more than some, loving her was just so... easy. Remember I mentioned that she used to shower me with attention? I totally loved being in the centre of her attention. We started off by talking for a couple of minutes each time over the phone, till just before her LA trip, when, and I can still remember till this day, we talked for about 45 minutes over the phone. I still remember, mom had a tuition class that night, and I was eating dinner in the room: fish, rice and vege.
When she's with me, talking to me, giving me the attention I desire, I feel like I can fly. I don't feel any burden on my shoulders, so light, that I just float on air. It's like, an angel came down to earth, and carried me in their arms, up in the sky. It's like her presence drove away whatever darkness there is in my soul. I feel so alive. Such a cliche, saying that she's the light in my life. But I can't help being corny and using all those cliches. I naturally and instinctively hide my true nature, being afraid of getting hurt. With Tash, I just want to tell her everything. I don't want to hide anything, or evade anything. I want to be able to look into her eyes and tell her the truth that she deserves.
I'm not saying that, I lie all the time. I just perhaps tell part of the truth, or what I feel can be told. Value judgment, my lecturer will be so proud of me that I remember this term. Anyway. I've grown to love her, because loving her is not only the simplest thing I ever did, but also because it feels so right, loving her. I need her, because having tasted what life could possibly without her, I'm loath to go back to that life. I want the sun shining down, not the clouds in the sky.
I love her, because I can, because I want to, because it feels right. Stubborn. I know I am. But I believe you have to stand up for what you believe is true and what you hold dear, and she is something, someone I treasure with my whole heart.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
TETIM
Pt 2
So I was talking about being scared. In all honesty, I very much am insecure. I know, I know. I don't look like it. However, it's the truth. You see, I'm afraid of love, and of being lonely. Back during my younger days, before I got to know Tash, I thought I would end up being single my entire life. Sure, I would possibly have relationships, but I never thought I'll get married, much less have kids. I see the adults in my life, some married, some not, and I envied the freedom the unmarried ones have. I want freedom, I'll admit it. I want the freedom to choose how to live my life, the freedom to do as I please, the freedom to not have to account to anyone.
As for love, I saw how love cut and hurt. I was scared, I STILL am scared, of getting hurt. Call me a coward, but I wasn't ready to hand over my heart to someone, and let them cut it into pieces. Tash, was really a turning point in my life. We started off a tentative note. I realized, I loved the attention she showered on me. She grew on me, faster then you can say 'Holy crap!'. I gave her my love, bit at a time, and she cherished it. Like I said, she gave me a feeling of security, of everlasting, of forever. It's like, I'm the ship that found a harbor to cast anchor.
Having tasted what life is like with love, I realize, I don't want to stay unmarried. I don't want to go home everyday to an empty house, a single bed. I don't want to turn into a fat ole spinster, eating, drinking and even smoking my way to my grave. I realized, I want to go back to a home where there'll be someone to greet me when I open the door, someone to love me and take away the weariness of the day, and someone to share and warm the bed with me. I would really love to have someone share my life with me.
I mentioned that I'm insecure, right? You see, I absolutely hate it when my princess is gone for ages. I don't mean hours, more like days, even weeks. I'm scared I'll lose her, I'm scared she'll not love me anymore, I'm scared, I don't mean anything to her anymore. Sounds stalkerish, even to the point of obsession, doesn't it? She means so much to me, that losing her, would equate hell on earth.
I can't help being scared. Even though she assures me time after time that she loves me, and that the only one she ever wants is me, I still can't help feeling afraid. Why, you ask. Well, simple really. You see, even till this day, I don't see anything about me, that could possibly attract her. Looks, there are so many out there that are better looking then me; Personality, mine is not the most interesting one out there; Intellect, I'm not that smart; Creativity, I'm just about average.
Hence. I don't get it, why she loves me. And I suspect, it's something I would never get for a very very long time, perhaps not till we start living together. Perhaps, I just have a low self confidence that's why I feel insecure at times. I have no clue.
Moments like this, I feel like I fail as a girlfriend. I doubt the way she feels about me, I doubt the truth of her words, I doubt our relationship. But when I doubt, I force myself to remember the times we shared, the words we exchanged, in anger or in love, and I doubt no more. I feel my emotions are like a roller coaster, and there's only one person who could put it at ease. When she's with me, I feel calm; When she's away for too long, I feel restless and upset.
Sometimes, I miss her so damn much, it's rather depressing and pathetic. A lovesick fool is what I am. Next up, would be about, why.
So I was talking about being scared. In all honesty, I very much am insecure. I know, I know. I don't look like it. However, it's the truth. You see, I'm afraid of love, and of being lonely. Back during my younger days, before I got to know Tash, I thought I would end up being single my entire life. Sure, I would possibly have relationships, but I never thought I'll get married, much less have kids. I see the adults in my life, some married, some not, and I envied the freedom the unmarried ones have. I want freedom, I'll admit it. I want the freedom to choose how to live my life, the freedom to do as I please, the freedom to not have to account to anyone.
As for love, I saw how love cut and hurt. I was scared, I STILL am scared, of getting hurt. Call me a coward, but I wasn't ready to hand over my heart to someone, and let them cut it into pieces. Tash, was really a turning point in my life. We started off a tentative note. I realized, I loved the attention she showered on me. She grew on me, faster then you can say 'Holy crap!'. I gave her my love, bit at a time, and she cherished it. Like I said, she gave me a feeling of security, of everlasting, of forever. It's like, I'm the ship that found a harbor to cast anchor.
Having tasted what life is like with love, I realize, I don't want to stay unmarried. I don't want to go home everyday to an empty house, a single bed. I don't want to turn into a fat ole spinster, eating, drinking and even smoking my way to my grave. I realized, I want to go back to a home where there'll be someone to greet me when I open the door, someone to love me and take away the weariness of the day, and someone to share and warm the bed with me. I would really love to have someone share my life with me.
I mentioned that I'm insecure, right? You see, I absolutely hate it when my princess is gone for ages. I don't mean hours, more like days, even weeks. I'm scared I'll lose her, I'm scared she'll not love me anymore, I'm scared, I don't mean anything to her anymore. Sounds stalkerish, even to the point of obsession, doesn't it? She means so much to me, that losing her, would equate hell on earth.
I can't help being scared. Even though she assures me time after time that she loves me, and that the only one she ever wants is me, I still can't help feeling afraid. Why, you ask. Well, simple really. You see, even till this day, I don't see anything about me, that could possibly attract her. Looks, there are so many out there that are better looking then me; Personality, mine is not the most interesting one out there; Intellect, I'm not that smart; Creativity, I'm just about average.
Hence. I don't get it, why she loves me. And I suspect, it's something I would never get for a very very long time, perhaps not till we start living together. Perhaps, I just have a low self confidence that's why I feel insecure at times. I have no clue.
Moments like this, I feel like I fail as a girlfriend. I doubt the way she feels about me, I doubt the truth of her words, I doubt our relationship. But when I doubt, I force myself to remember the times we shared, the words we exchanged, in anger or in love, and I doubt no more. I feel my emotions are like a roller coaster, and there's only one person who could put it at ease. When she's with me, I feel calm; When she's away for too long, I feel restless and upset.
Sometimes, I miss her so damn much, it's rather depressing and pathetic. A lovesick fool is what I am. Next up, would be about, why.
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Enigma That Is Me (T.E.T.I.M.)
Pt 1
So, I'm pretty sure you've all heard about that famous movie, 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button'. Well, I've got that movie somewhere in my external hard disk, but somehow I never got down to watching that show.
Anyway. The reason I brought up that award winning flick, was because I've decided to spend a couple of blog posts getting to know the enigma that is me. =)
I've been pretty busy these days. According to quiz I did on Facebook, it states that I distract myself from whatever I'm going through, kind of like I'm running away. Sad to say, I agree with that statement. The reason I surround myself with people and events, is because I'm trying my best, to keep my mind from dwelling on my princess.
People ask me about my girl, and I just smile. These few days apart without any contact, gave me tons of spare hours to do some thinking. Leanna asked me the other day, how can I continue trusting Tash after she continues to break her word to me time after time. That got me thinking. Truth be told, I have no clue. All I can say is, I just do. I don't know why, but she's different. Well, yea, she IS, since she's my gf, but that's not the point.
You see, I've always had a hard time trusting people. Ask Jein. SHE knows. You see us now, laughing and having fun together, and you'll never believe that it took me 3 months to warm up to her. And even then, not a whole lot, despite spending almost every day talking and studying together. I suppose, you could say it took around 9 months to a year, before I truly opened up to her. AND. I consider her part of my inner circle of friends, perhaps even to the extent of best friend.
Tash, on the other hand, we were friends for about a year, but our correspondence was scarce and few in between. We never really spent much time getting to know each other. Yet, I would say, she gained my trust the fastest. It's like, she gave me a sense of security. I felt like I don't have to pretend when I'm with her. Perhaps pretend is not the word. More like, I can just be me, and I didn't need to wear a mask. I guess, I felt like, I could trust her with my emotions.
Trust, is a huge issue with me. Once I trust you, it's hard to shake my trust in you; BUT. Once you do something to break that trust I had in you, it's even harder still to gain back my trust. Ask Shi Ni, she can tell you that. But. With Tash, it's the total opposite. Don't ask me why. It just is. Had a nice long talk with Jein the weekend she was at my place, and we talked about trust. It's just unexplainable, why I would distrust some people (and STILL do) and some people gain my trust easier then others.
Perhaps I'm just naive, but, I never felt the kind of security Tash offers in others. As in, I feel safe with her. When I think of her, I feel as if I've found a shelter. I feel like I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to be invincible, or pretend to be, and I can just lie down and rest, and... just be vulnerable. Perhaps I'm very much afraid. I'm really scared, to open up my heart to people. I guess, it's inherrent, this nature of mine, to distrust someone initially.
Wow. That's long. Looks like, it's time for bed. I'm beat. Continue analysing me and myself another time. Later peeps..!
So, I'm pretty sure you've all heard about that famous movie, 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button'. Well, I've got that movie somewhere in my external hard disk, but somehow I never got down to watching that show.
Anyway. The reason I brought up that award winning flick, was because I've decided to spend a couple of blog posts getting to know the enigma that is me. =)
I've been pretty busy these days. According to quiz I did on Facebook, it states that I distract myself from whatever I'm going through, kind of like I'm running away. Sad to say, I agree with that statement. The reason I surround myself with people and events, is because I'm trying my best, to keep my mind from dwelling on my princess.
People ask me about my girl, and I just smile. These few days apart without any contact, gave me tons of spare hours to do some thinking. Leanna asked me the other day, how can I continue trusting Tash after she continues to break her word to me time after time. That got me thinking. Truth be told, I have no clue. All I can say is, I just do. I don't know why, but she's different. Well, yea, she IS, since she's my gf, but that's not the point.
You see, I've always had a hard time trusting people. Ask Jein. SHE knows. You see us now, laughing and having fun together, and you'll never believe that it took me 3 months to warm up to her. And even then, not a whole lot, despite spending almost every day talking and studying together. I suppose, you could say it took around 9 months to a year, before I truly opened up to her. AND. I consider her part of my inner circle of friends, perhaps even to the extent of best friend.
Tash, on the other hand, we were friends for about a year, but our correspondence was scarce and few in between. We never really spent much time getting to know each other. Yet, I would say, she gained my trust the fastest. It's like, she gave me a sense of security. I felt like I don't have to pretend when I'm with her. Perhaps pretend is not the word. More like, I can just be me, and I didn't need to wear a mask. I guess, I felt like, I could trust her with my emotions.
Trust, is a huge issue with me. Once I trust you, it's hard to shake my trust in you; BUT. Once you do something to break that trust I had in you, it's even harder still to gain back my trust. Ask Shi Ni, she can tell you that. But. With Tash, it's the total opposite. Don't ask me why. It just is. Had a nice long talk with Jein the weekend she was at my place, and we talked about trust. It's just unexplainable, why I would distrust some people (and STILL do) and some people gain my trust easier then others.
Perhaps I'm just naive, but, I never felt the kind of security Tash offers in others. As in, I feel safe with her. When I think of her, I feel as if I've found a shelter. I feel like I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to be invincible, or pretend to be, and I can just lie down and rest, and... just be vulnerable. Perhaps I'm very much afraid. I'm really scared, to open up my heart to people. I guess, it's inherrent, this nature of mine, to distrust someone initially.
Wow. That's long. Looks like, it's time for bed. I'm beat. Continue analysing me and myself another time. Later peeps..!
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
25/06/09
So holidays started the day exams were over. So, after the huge feast at BBQ Plaza on the 23rd, and a midnight movie, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen on the 24th, Flora and I left for Melacca on the 25th.
We arrived in the evening, and... I'll let the pictures below tell the story. Like they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.
Shall we begin the journey then?
Jein and Erhern
Us 3 at the musical fountain
2 tired pigs
bad lighting tho. =(
No energy to pose oso
Jein, Flora and me
us 2
again
another
looks eerie rite
mcm ade hantu... *shivers*
dancing waters.
along the Melacca river
pity... lampu mcm putus setengah
no 360' but tons of adrenaline rush.
the river cruise boat
eye of melacca
after the mad rush of adrenaline
kinda dizzy when it slowed down.
nice view rite? taken from the eye of melacca
love this lamp
interior really nice rite
hand folded... wow
=)
*erhern no skill la wei* =(
banana shake
Iced cafe float
Orange ice tea
lemon cheese
Original
Chocolate banana
menu... laura got no skill, so pic blur blur~
ha! cute rite... kat kedai satay celup
celup celup celup~
ha! makan makan saje... well, tat was our 1st evening at Melacca. More pics to come. Stay tuned... ;)
(pictures courtesy of Low Sze Jein. thought i should acknowledge her photography skills here. lol)
We arrived in the evening, and... I'll let the pictures below tell the story. Like they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.
Shall we begin the journey then?
Jein and Erhern
Us 3 at the musical fountain
2 tired pigs
bad lighting tho. =(
No energy to pose oso
Jein, Flora and me
us 2
again
another
looks eerie rite
mcm ade hantu... *shivers*
dancing waters.
along the Melacca river
pity... lampu mcm putus setengah
no 360' but tons of adrenaline rush.
the river cruise boat
eye of melacca
after the mad rush of adrenaline
kinda dizzy when it slowed down.
nice view rite? taken from the eye of melacca
love this lamp
interior really nice rite
hand folded... wow
=)
*erhern no skill la wei* =(
banana shake
Iced cafe float
Orange ice tea
lemon cheese
Original
Chocolate banana
menu... laura got no skill, so pic blur blur~
ha! cute rite... kat kedai satay celup
celup celup celup~
ha! makan makan saje... well, tat was our 1st evening at Melacca. More pics to come. Stay tuned... ;)
(pictures courtesy of Low Sze Jein. thought i should acknowledge her photography skills here. lol)
